The Firsts of Seconds

Birthdays: I need not be reminded of years ticking over. As we get older (despite there being no guarantee of longevity) the probability is we will reach the tipping point. The point where the odds are we have less years ahead of us than behind us. I'm at that point based on family history. It's a sobering thought.

Well today is my birthday. It's the day I face the ‘first of the seconds’. It's my second birthday without my soul mate. While I've never been a fan of birthdays, one thing I could always look forward to was being spoilt. Coffee and pressies in bed; he always chose perfect presents. Jewellery as most who know me well know was a particular favourite. New toys such as iPads, Cameras, or Laptops to appease my inner nerd were embraced with gusto. Tickets to zoom away for a much needed holiday have been on the agenda. Mystery tour weekends and tickets to a show were often on the menu.  Lunch somewhere fab by the water and I always received flowers. Yes, I was spoilt. But to be fair I did the same for him.

Last year was tough. Facing the ‘firsts of’ is particularly hard. At least it was for me. My birthday 2016 was the first big special day I had to face without the love of my life. To make it worse it was only 3 months after his passing. I got through it, with the help of my family and friends. In fact I spent a lovely few days up the coast enjoying the serenity and peacefulness of Kendal and Port Macquarie with my nearest and dearest. But as each special day approached I was overwhelmed by sadness and loss. Some days were harder than others. I'm sure everyone who has to face loss understands that.

So onto 2017 and hence my ‘firsts of the seconds’ begin.  This year I am spending my birthday on my own. I wanted it that way, just me and my cat. I discovered this morning one of my Nephews' and his fiancée were planning a surprise visit. They encountered a mechanical problem on route and had to turn back to Canberra. While it would’ve been wonderful to see them and I'm so appreciative of the thought, what I need today is quiet time. The universe works in mysterious ways at times to give us what we need.

I need time to think, to write, and a time to remember. I’ll watch the F1 from Melbourne. It is first race of the season. F1 was a shared passion. We never missed a race despite the ungodly hour of many of the races. Mostly I'll soul search. It's part of healing.

My heart aches but I'm not overwhelmed by sadness. It's more a recognition the threads to the past grow ever longer. Each notch along the way is a step to acceptance and healing. Counting the milestones; is an attempt to hang on as long as I can to the vivid memories. Time will dim the vividness. I dread the day but it will happen.

As usual I seek solace in words be it writing or reading and I am reminded of this wonderful Winnie the Poo quote;

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” ~ Winnie the Poo

I give thanks everyday for that.

It's In The Valley's I Grow

I received this poem from a friend today. I had one of those ‘hit the wall’ day's yesterday. They creep up on me from time to time. So as usual my friends timing was perfect.

I thought I would share it because I know many of my friends are going through tough times. Some, as I am, dealing with grief. Some battling health issues and others just struggling with life. None of us sail through life without having to deal with dark places.

It’s also a good reminder that we learn from experiencing dark places. When we are in them, we often can’t see a way out. We can’t see the light. But if we can take a moment to really think about ourselves for a minute and try to not be consumed by the problem, it's surprising how much strength we gain. In addition. we learn so much about ourselves and how to deal with difficult periods in our life which is a good thing. That's what “It’s In The Valley’s I Grow” says to me.

In times like this I am constantly reminded that for every adversity there is the seed of equivalent or greater benefit. With faith, we will endure.

I hope you enjoy it.

A beautiful poem to help get us through the dark places on our life's journey.

'It's in the Valleys I Grow'
by Jane Eggleston

'Sometimes life seems hard to bear
Full of sorrow and woe
It's then I have to remember that it's in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain
I would never appreciate Gods love
And would be living in vain

I have so much to learn
And my Growth  is very slow
Sometimes I need the mountain tops
But it's in the valleys I grow

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do
But I am very sure of one thing
My Lord will see me through

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death
His victory was satan's loss

Forgive me Lord for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow

Continue to strengthen me , Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way
Thank you for the valleys Lord, for this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow.

Finding Our Place of Peace

I may never find the happiness I once enjoyed. Only time will tell. But as I struggled with dealing with sudden loss and finding a place of peace this thought sprung to mind. 

I am finding that place of peace and contentment slowly, but surely. Somewhere in the vast Unknown a voice whispers, "that's what I wanted for you in life, nothing changes." I know in my heart of hearts that's what he would be saying. As I would, if the situation were reversed. 

Children Deserve Better

The Elephant and the Dog

I was talking with a friend of mine last night. He is a Chaplin attached to the San Hospital at Wahoonga. We were discussing dealing with the loss of our loved ones. How events like this test our faith and the struggles many of us face in getting our faith back. One of my current struggles. 

He sent me the following this morning. I thought I would share it. It's a lovely story and the message equally so. 

An elephant and a dog became pregnant at the same time. Three months down the line the dog gave birth to six puppies. Six months later the dog was pregnant again, and nine months later it gave birth to another half dozen puppies. The pattern continued. 

On the eighteenth month the dog approached the elephant questioning. “Are you sure you are pregnant.” We became pregnant on the same date. I have given birth three times to half a dozen puppies and they are now grown to become big dogs. “What’s going on?”

The elephant replied. 

“There is something I want you to understand. What I am carrying is not a puppy but an elephant. I only give birth to one in two years. When my baby hits the ground, the earth feels it. When my baby crosses the road, human beings stop and watch in admiration. What I carry draws attention. So what I am carrying is mighty and great.”

The message? 

Don’t lose faith when you see others receive answers to their prayers. (Or when others laugh at you for starting you OWN business. Or, when others think you’re crazy for following the voice of God.)

Don’t be envious of others testimony. If you haven’t received your own blessings, don’t despair. Say to yourself “My time is coming, and when it hits the surface of the earth, people shall yield in admiration.”  

It's all too easy to be hard on ourselves. We all (at times) have unrealistic expectations of ourselves. That is definitely so for people who like me, are used to being in control of their lives. We need to be kind to ourselves. Take time. 

God bless.

In Memory of Ann Kenna

Ann Kenna left this world May 3rd, 2016 

I first meet Ann when she joined Wolters Kluwer Asia Pacific as Regional HR Director in 2006. 

Ann and, I enjoyed a ‘colourful’ working relationship as fellow executive team members, colleagues and business partners. Her group providing HR support to my groups in Sydney and Malaysia. 

I will remember Ann as a supportive colleague who always gave freely of her time, advice and expertise. She never shied away from telling you what she thought you needed to hear. Ann had a generous soul and was always willing to share new ideas. She was passionate about principled leadership, a passion we shared. 

I hope David Lampert doesn’t mind me borrowing his words when he said. “Ann always brought a high degree of both professionalism, science, and passion to everything she did in Asia Pac.  And while her passion occasionally led to conflict, the organization, and the people, were always the better for her conviction.” 

When passionate, driven people work together conflict is to be expected. Time, allows us to see things with greater clarity and to understand the value of past-experiences. It’s in those special moments of reflection when we can say to ourselves, yes, I learnt something from those experiences and I am a better person for it. That is important, and part of Ann’s legacy for which I am  grateful. 

Ann played an important role in up-skilling our leaders from the executive team to team leaders. Ann did a sterling job in helping me to mould a young group of leaders in my offshore facility in Malaysia into a team of young professionals. We shared a bond and a sense of achievement in working with and watching these young people blossom. We also had lots of fun doing it. 

Ann and I shared many lovely moments during our travels. She was an absolute hoot to watch bargaining her way through the night markets in KL.  Ann had a wicked sense of humour. She needed one given some of the purchases we made. This became obvious with the customary ‘show and tell’ with the staff in the Lobby Bar at the Shangri-La. This ritual could be relied on to generate the customary exclamations of “what on earth made me to buy that”, followed by peals of laughter. 

Ann was forthright and courageous. This was never more obvious than when she faced her toughest challenge. 

I read through her messages today and this one spoke volumes. “This new Folfox chemo is brutal. I must have been a real dragon in my last life. But how are you?” Whilst Ann faced the battle of all battles she still had time to think of and care for others. I will always be grateful to her for her kindness as I deal with my loss of a loved one.

Ann faced her uncertain future with a courage that was inspirational. When her time came to leave her daughter wrote “She was eager to see what was next. Always looking, planning ahead. She had bigger plans for the next life, filled with more dreams, ambitions, and goals. She dreamt big.”

That she did. 

If I were asked to sum Ann up in a few words, it would go something like this. Ann was an elegant, professional and caring friend. Ann made a difference, and she leaves this world a better place for having been here. 

Ann’s legacy will live on in the many people she mentored and coached to become better leaders, better role models and better people. I for one am a better person for knowing her. 

Thank you, Ann. Rest in peace. 

The Search for Meaning

I've just finished reading "Man's Search For Meaning" by Dr Viktor E. Frankl. Dr Frankl was a holocaust survivor. His story is remarkable on so many levels. 

There are a couple of points he makes in his book that resonate with me. He describes how he felt when he entered Auschwitz. He was stripped of everything even the hair from his body. Naked, vulnerable and exposed. 

I understand that feeling not from a physical perspective but mentally. It's how I feel in trying to cope with grief and the resultant emotions not experienced before. 

But Dr Frankl goes on the describe how he coped. 

In one of his darkest moments the thoughts and mental images of his wife sustained him and he wrote. "I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way—an honorable way—in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words, “The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory.” 

Isn't that beautiful. Sadly his wife was one of the ones who were so cruelly taken. She died in the gas chamber. He wasn't aware of that at the time but he commented later even if he was he still would have found fulfilment remembering her love.  

What he saw and what he suffered is beyond my real understanding. He talked of how people in the camps became completely desensitised to suffering. He worked in labour camps and also medical awards. He talks of what people did. Terrible things but he didn't judge them. Instead he said, "No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute honesty whether in a similar situation he might not have done the same." 

I try to do that. I don't always succeed but I try. 

There is one piece in his book which is very relevant to me. It's the reason why a friend suggested I read the book. 

Frankel tells the story of an old man who comes to him seeking solace, completely distraught over the loss of his beloved wife, to whom he was married for many years.  Frankel asks him how his wife would have coped had he been the first to go.  The old man replies that she would have been completely devastated and likely unable to go on.  “Then you have done her a great service.” Frankel tells the man, “By outliving 

her, you have spared her the unbearable pain of losing you.”

Family and friends have expressed similar in reflecting on the passing my husband. I suspect I'm not the only one who feels guilt for living when a loved one has gone before us. Perhaps the answer is in Dr Frankl's inspiring words. Whilst we suffer perhaps we have spared our loved ones. Something to think about. 

Ulimate Meaning