We Are Constantly Changing, Even If We Think We’re Not

It’s now a little over two-and-a-half years since my husband died. It’s been a challenging journey. But I’m now of the belief that a lot of what they write about grief holds us back, rather than encouraging us to move forward. Some people like myself will rise above it but so many don’t or can’t and it breaks my heart. Those people need encouragement and belief in themselves rather than being told it’s OK to sit in the corner crying their eyes out year after year. 

Someone posted this meme on a support group site this morning.

After reading through the various comments which followed the meme I felt compelled to say something. I started off in stating my views will be different to many expressed. But, that each of us has to approach life based on what works best for us. That’s what I’ve been doing.

Over recent months I’ve tried to look at life as a series of changes. Death of a loved one has an impact but so does so many other experiences in life. As an example so does getting older. We are always changing the self we were. Who we were at 18 wasn’t the self we were at 30 or 40. We are at 40 will not be the self we are at 70 or 80.

We admit we've changed in the past but believe we'll be the same person in the future. We won’t be and we would never be. Death of a loved one is simply one thing in life that changes us but it’s not the only thing.

I no longer think of grief as the thing that controls me as a result I’m more contented with my life. I believe grief has made we wiser, and it’s made me more understanding of myself. That is a good thing.

Every experience in life is an opportunity to learn. Even the most harrowing of experiences like losing my soul mate.

“It's still ok to dream with a broken heart.” ~ Nikki Rowe. In fact, that is exactly what we should be encouraging each other to do. 

The Firsts of Seconds

Birthdays: I need not be reminded of years ticking over. As we get older (despite there being no guarantee of longevity) the probability is we will reach the tipping point. The point where the odds are we have less years ahead of us than behind us. I'm at that point based on family history. It's a sobering thought.

Well today is my birthday. It's the day I face the ‘first of the seconds’. It's my second birthday without my soul mate. While I've never been a fan of birthdays, one thing I could always look forward to was being spoilt. Coffee and pressies in bed; he always chose perfect presents. Jewellery as most who know me well know was a particular favourite. New toys such as iPads, Cameras, or Laptops to appease my inner nerd were embraced with gusto. Tickets to zoom away for a much needed holiday have been on the agenda. Mystery tour weekends and tickets to a show were often on the menu.  Lunch somewhere fab by the water and I always received flowers. Yes, I was spoilt. But to be fair I did the same for him.

Last year was tough. Facing the ‘firsts of’ is particularly hard. At least it was for me. My birthday 2016 was the first big special day I had to face without the love of my life. To make it worse it was only 3 months after his passing. I got through it, with the help of my family and friends. In fact I spent a lovely few days up the coast enjoying the serenity and peacefulness of Kendal and Port Macquarie with my nearest and dearest. But as each special day approached I was overwhelmed by sadness and loss. Some days were harder than others. I'm sure everyone who has to face loss understands that.

So onto 2017 and hence my ‘firsts of the seconds’ begin.  This year I am spending my birthday on my own. I wanted it that way, just me and my cat. I discovered this morning one of my Nephews' and his fiancée were planning a surprise visit. They encountered a mechanical problem on route and had to turn back to Canberra. While it would’ve been wonderful to see them and I'm so appreciative of the thought, what I need today is quiet time. The universe works in mysterious ways at times to give us what we need.

I need time to think, to write, and a time to remember. I’ll watch the F1 from Melbourne. It is first race of the season. F1 was a shared passion. We never missed a race despite the ungodly hour of many of the races. Mostly I'll soul search. It's part of healing.

My heart aches but I'm not overwhelmed by sadness. It's more a recognition the threads to the past grow ever longer. Each notch along the way is a step to acceptance and healing. Counting the milestones; is an attempt to hang on as long as I can to the vivid memories. Time will dim the vividness. I dread the day but it will happen.

As usual I seek solace in words be it writing or reading and I am reminded of this wonderful Winnie the Poo quote;

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” ~ Winnie the Poo

I give thanks everyday for that.

The Elephant and the Dog

I was talking with a friend of mine last night. He is a Chaplin attached to the San Hospital at Wahoonga. We were discussing dealing with the loss of our loved ones. How events like this test our faith and the struggles many of us face in getting our faith back. One of my current struggles. 

He sent me the following this morning. I thought I would share it. It's a lovely story and the message equally so. 

An elephant and a dog became pregnant at the same time. Three months down the line the dog gave birth to six puppies. Six months later the dog was pregnant again, and nine months later it gave birth to another half dozen puppies. The pattern continued. 

On the eighteenth month the dog approached the elephant questioning. “Are you sure you are pregnant.” We became pregnant on the same date. I have given birth three times to half a dozen puppies and they are now grown to become big dogs. “What’s going on?”

The elephant replied. 

“There is something I want you to understand. What I am carrying is not a puppy but an elephant. I only give birth to one in two years. When my baby hits the ground, the earth feels it. When my baby crosses the road, human beings stop and watch in admiration. What I carry draws attention. So what I am carrying is mighty and great.”

The message? 

Don’t lose faith when you see others receive answers to their prayers. (Or when others laugh at you for starting you OWN business. Or, when others think you’re crazy for following the voice of God.)

Don’t be envious of others testimony. If you haven’t received your own blessings, don’t despair. Say to yourself “My time is coming, and when it hits the surface of the earth, people shall yield in admiration.”  

It's all too easy to be hard on ourselves. We all (at times) have unrealistic expectations of ourselves. That is definitely so for people who like me, are used to being in control of their lives. We need to be kind to ourselves. Take time. 

God bless.