We Are Constantly Changing, Even If We Think We’re Not

It’s now a little over two-and-a-half years since my husband died. It’s been a challenging journey. But I’m now of the belief that a lot of what they write about grief holds us back, rather than encouraging us to move forward. Some people like myself will rise above it but so many don’t or can’t and it breaks my heart. Those people need encouragement and belief in themselves rather than being told it’s OK to sit in the corner crying their eyes out year after year. 

Someone posted this meme on a support group site this morning.

After reading through the various comments which followed the meme I felt compelled to say something. I started off in stating my views will be different to many expressed. But, that each of us has to approach life based on what works best for us. That’s what I’ve been doing.

Over recent months I’ve tried to look at life as a series of changes. Death of a loved one has an impact but so does so many other experiences in life. As an example so does getting older. We are always changing the self we were. Who we were at 18 wasn’t the self we were at 30 or 40. We are at 40 will not be the self we are at 70 or 80.

We admit we've changed in the past but believe we'll be the same person in the future. We won’t be and we would never be. Death of a loved one is simply one thing in life that changes us but it’s not the only thing.

I no longer think of grief as the thing that controls me as a result I’m more contented with my life. I believe grief has made we wiser, and it’s made me more understanding of myself. That is a good thing.

Every experience in life is an opportunity to learn. Even the most harrowing of experiences like losing my soul mate.

“It's still ok to dream with a broken heart.” ~ Nikki Rowe. In fact, that is exactly what we should be encouraging each other to do. 

The Power of a Positive Attitude

I spend a reasonable amount of time on social media and one of the things that strikes me is, how negative and angry some people are. 

In following some of these people, I've noticed that over time, their level of negativity increases and their ability to see the positives, in any given situation (or in life in general) is diminishing. As a firm believer in attitude is everything, I will always endeavour to focus the debate on the side of balance. Understand the negatives, but leverage and build on the positives, is a good policy. I will admit to some interesting exchanges. At times, I've been forced to wish some people well and say goodbye. Their negativity was starting to negatively impact me. 

In my early career, I had the very good fortune to work for an American company, whose foundation was built on a positive mental attitude. I had exposure to many highly motivated and successful people. It made a lasting impression and enhanced brilliantly the core values that I learnt from my parents. 

Now I'm not suggesting I'm Miss Jolly everyday. I'm not. But I recognise my own signs, I warn others that I'm in a down mood, then I try to bring myself out of the gloom. It usually works. There are exceptions. 

If the whole environment in which you work is black and repressive, no matter what you do, you will be pulled down with it. At that point, get out and run as fast as you can. I learnt to my own detriment that to battle against the tide of negativity, only leads to your own self destruction. It took me months to recover after I got out of a 'black' environment. It took months of working on myself to rebuild my confidence, get my health back and to learn to refocus on the positives. I'm back from the brink, I will never make the same mistake again, and now I really enjoy helping others to avoid the same pitfalls. 

I will tell you a funny true story about motivation. I awoke one Monday morning with a feeling of impending doom. The previous week had been stressful and I simply wasn't looking forward to another week of more of the same. I literally had to drag myself out of bed. I did the necessary and headed for the train, the dark weight ever increasing as I walked. 

The train arrived, I found a seat and sat down. And, as I was sitting there thinking about the week ahead trying to gee myself up, I remembered a little song the sales trainees were taught. It went:

I feel happy, happy and terrific,

Happy and terrific that's the way I feel, 

Happy as a million dollar bill. 

Repeat, repeat. 

I started to sing the song in my head. I could feel the darkness lifting and I could feel there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I smiled to myself. I arrived at my destination, got off the train and was walking down to my office. I noticed people were smiling at me. Most unusual for a Monday morning in the 'big city'. I smiled back and then the penny dropped. I was singing the ditty out loud! All I could do was laugh at myself. I arrived at my office, told the story much to the mirth of my team. But the important thing was, my mood change and in fact we had a terrific week. My attitude had a lot to do with it. 

I sing that little song frequently. It never fails and I always remember when I sang out loud on the streets in Nth Sydney.   

We have so much to be thankful for. We have freedom, we live in a beautiful country we are surrounded by stunning landscapes and we have music to stir our souls. Our opportunities to be successful, happy and fulfilled are endless. But if we wake each morning with the wrong attitude, we fail to recognise the opportunities and we just bring everyone around us down. As an aside, I really worry for the children who are raised in negative environments. It has nothing to do with wealth, but it has everything to do with what we hear and what we see, particularly during our formative years. In closing, I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes. 

"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative."

~ W. Clement Stone