The Firsts of Seconds

Birthdays: I need not be reminded of years ticking over. As we get older (despite there being no guarantee of longevity) the probability is we will reach the tipping point. The point where the odds are we have less years ahead of us than behind us. I'm at that point based on family history. It's a sobering thought.

Well today is my birthday. It's the day I face the ‘first of the seconds’. It's my second birthday without my soul mate. While I've never been a fan of birthdays, one thing I could always look forward to was being spoilt. Coffee and pressies in bed; he always chose perfect presents. Jewellery as most who know me well know was a particular favourite. New toys such as iPads, Cameras, or Laptops to appease my inner nerd were embraced with gusto. Tickets to zoom away for a much needed holiday have been on the agenda. Mystery tour weekends and tickets to a show were often on the menu.  Lunch somewhere fab by the water and I always received flowers. Yes, I was spoilt. But to be fair I did the same for him.

Last year was tough. Facing the ‘firsts of’ is particularly hard. At least it was for me. My birthday 2016 was the first big special day I had to face without the love of my life. To make it worse it was only 3 months after his passing. I got through it, with the help of my family and friends. In fact I spent a lovely few days up the coast enjoying the serenity and peacefulness of Kendal and Port Macquarie with my nearest and dearest. But as each special day approached I was overwhelmed by sadness and loss. Some days were harder than others. I'm sure everyone who has to face loss understands that.

So onto 2017 and hence my ‘firsts of the seconds’ begin.  This year I am spending my birthday on my own. I wanted it that way, just me and my cat. I discovered this morning one of my Nephews' and his fiancée were planning a surprise visit. They encountered a mechanical problem on route and had to turn back to Canberra. While it would’ve been wonderful to see them and I'm so appreciative of the thought, what I need today is quiet time. The universe works in mysterious ways at times to give us what we need.

I need time to think, to write, and a time to remember. I’ll watch the F1 from Melbourne. It is first race of the season. F1 was a shared passion. We never missed a race despite the ungodly hour of many of the races. Mostly I'll soul search. It's part of healing.

My heart aches but I'm not overwhelmed by sadness. It's more a recognition the threads to the past grow ever longer. Each notch along the way is a step to acceptance and healing. Counting the milestones; is an attempt to hang on as long as I can to the vivid memories. Time will dim the vividness. I dread the day but it will happen.

As usual I seek solace in words be it writing or reading and I am reminded of this wonderful Winnie the Poo quote;

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” ~ Winnie the Poo

I give thanks everyday for that.

It's In The Valley's I Grow

I received this poem from a friend today. I had one of those ‘hit the wall’ day's yesterday. They creep up on me from time to time. So as usual my friends timing was perfect.

I thought I would share it because I know many of my friends are going through tough times. Some, as I am, dealing with grief. Some battling health issues and others just struggling with life. None of us sail through life without having to deal with dark places.

It’s also a good reminder that we learn from experiencing dark places. When we are in them, we often can’t see a way out. We can’t see the light. But if we can take a moment to really think about ourselves for a minute and try to not be consumed by the problem, it's surprising how much strength we gain. In addition. we learn so much about ourselves and how to deal with difficult periods in our life which is a good thing. That's what “It’s In The Valley’s I Grow” says to me.

In times like this I am constantly reminded that for every adversity there is the seed of equivalent or greater benefit. With faith, we will endure.

I hope you enjoy it.

A beautiful poem to help get us through the dark places on our life's journey.

'It's in the Valleys I Grow'
by Jane Eggleston

'Sometimes life seems hard to bear
Full of sorrow and woe
It's then I have to remember that it's in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain
I would never appreciate Gods love
And would be living in vain

I have so much to learn
And my Growth  is very slow
Sometimes I need the mountain tops
But it's in the valleys I grow

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do
But I am very sure of one thing
My Lord will see me through

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death
His victory was satan's loss

Forgive me Lord for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow

Continue to strengthen me , Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way
Thank you for the valleys Lord, for this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow.