The Message

As I approach the third anniversary (8 December to be precise) I find myself slipping into reflective moments of what if’s and if only’s. It is with that in mind I pen this; it is so sad that so many of our loved ones never get the chance to leave us a message. I think if mine had it would have been something like this.

“If my passing has left a hole in your heart I want you to start filling it with the memories of the love we shared. When you are feeling sad and lonely as you will I want to think of those memories. They will nourish and enrich you and they will inspire to continue to go on and to create your own memories. 

Fill it with laughter as you remember those happy times when we laughed until we cried. There were many of those. 

I want you to fill it with the dreams we shared and how we felt when together we realised those dreams. And, I want you to find time in your life to create new dreams because without dreams we have nothing. 

Find space in your heart to fill it with the memories of the challenges we faced together and how we overcame those challenges. I know my leaving is a huge challenge, perhaps the biggest you will ever face. With all my heart I would never have wished for you to be facing this challenge alone. Whilst I’m not there with you, I will be walking beside you, never doubt that. You are not alone. 

My time in this life has ended, but yours hasn’t. I want you to live your life because your life plan is not yet complete. I don’t want the memories of our life together to hold you back. That would completely break my heart. Instead use those memories to inspire you to continue to live the rich and fulfilling life you deserve to live. 

Above all else remember this. I too am trying to fill a hole in my heart because I have left you. We will mend our hearts together just as we always did”

I sometimes wonder if those who leave us suddenly know deep within their subconscious mind they are leaving. I think back often to the last day and night we spent together. What a joyous time it was and indeed I did laugh so much I had to beg him to stop my sides were aching so much. We talked about such a lot on the last evening about life, our dreams and our challenges.

The next morning with no warning he was gone. But those memories of that last day in particular have helped me out of so many black holes.

I’m pleased to say the hole in my heart is getting smaller. I doubt it will ever be completely filled, but that is OK. On those dark days I do think of all we did and achieved together and that inspires me to find and enjoy happiness now. Grief is indeed a journey of self-discovery but I believe that has made me stronger. 

The Importance Of Feeling Proud Of Ourselves

This lovely meme was added to our support group today. Many confirmed their commitment to doing that or trying to. It got me thinking. It is important, but do you know what is even more important in my thinking? That is making ourselves feel proud of ourselves. 

When we are proud of ourselves we feel more contented, and have a greater passion for life; our self-worth improves. We feel more motivated about ourselves and are better equipped to move toward the goals we have set for ourselves often that is taking control of our lives. An important element of that is having the control to embrace our accomplishments without requiring validation from others.

Edmond Mbiaka expressed it beautifully when he said, “Not too many people could walk a mile in your shoes. Only you know your struggles, challenges and obstacles; so be proud of how far you have come.” 

Whilst many face what we have faced each journey is different and no one really knows our struggles as we know them. So by all means make those we love feel proud but more importantly dear ones make yourselves feel proud of yourself. You so deserve to be. 

Welcome to Spring

This popped up in my Facebook memories today. Something I posted a year ago. It’s a nice reminder with Spring just around the corner.

I found this quote yesterday and I've taken the liberty of amending the descriptive (slightly), adding a few words of my own. It talks to me of self-discovery.

“You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep Spring from coming.” ~ Pablo Neruda

"When the Spring rains fall many say what a dreary day it is. I disagree. We all need the rain. The flowers, the trees, the birds and the bees and yes even you and I need it to grow, not to wash away yesterday but to nourish today."

To me grief is like that. The gardens of our life have been razed. Stripped bare. The colour has gone. All of our flowers have been cut. We weep. That is the 'rain' that nourishes us and from that we grow.

"With the promise of tomorrow, we all know the sun will return, giving us the warmth we all need to grow. Just as love does."

That love doesn't have to be a love for someone else. It can be as simple as finding love of life and love of ourselves again. I'm looking forward to Spring.

I’m fast approaching the third anniversary of losing the most important person in my life. He can never be and will never be replaced but I treasure the time I now have to enjoy the things that bring me happiness; music, art, reading, gardening, writing, my dear little cat, photography, collecting and, turning old things into new. They are different loves but loves, nevertheless.

Welcome to Spring. I can’t wait. 

We Are Constantly Changing, Even If We Think We’re Not

It’s now a little over two-and-a-half years since my husband died. It’s been a challenging journey. But I’m now of the belief that a lot of what they write about grief holds us back, rather than encouraging us to move forward. Some people like myself will rise above it but so many don’t or can’t and it breaks my heart. Those people need encouragement and belief in themselves rather than being told it’s OK to sit in the corner crying their eyes out year after year. 

Someone posted this meme on a support group site this morning.

After reading through the various comments which followed the meme I felt compelled to say something. I started off in stating my views will be different to many expressed. But, that each of us has to approach life based on what works best for us. That’s what I’ve been doing.

Over recent months I’ve tried to look at life as a series of changes. Death of a loved one has an impact but so does so many other experiences in life. As an example so does getting older. We are always changing the self we were. Who we were at 18 wasn’t the self we were at 30 or 40. We are at 40 will not be the self we are at 70 or 80.

We admit we've changed in the past but believe we'll be the same person in the future. We won’t be and we would never be. Death of a loved one is simply one thing in life that changes us but it’s not the only thing.

I no longer think of grief as the thing that controls me as a result I’m more contented with my life. I believe grief has made we wiser, and it’s made me more understanding of myself. That is a good thing.

Every experience in life is an opportunity to learn. Even the most harrowing of experiences like losing my soul mate.

“It's still ok to dream with a broken heart.” ~ Nikki Rowe. In fact, that is exactly what we should be encouraging each other to do. 

One Kind Word.....

All things happen for a reason. 

A couple of years ago I noticed a very elegant elderly lady in my local shopping village. She looked fantastic & I couldn’t let the opportunity pass by without saying something to her. It’s not something I normally do. I told her she looked very elegant. She smiled and said thank you. She mentioned no one ever tells her that anymore. I thought it was a bit sad, but we went our separate ways and I never thought about it again until this week. 

On Wednesday I was out shopping at a large regional centre. As I was paying for one of my purchases, the woman behind the counter told me I looked fantastic. She asked if I’d just had my hair done. I mentioned I hadn’t I just have a good stylist who makes it easy for me to do it myself. I thanked her and told her she’d made my day which was true. 

It was later whilst driving home I recalled meeting the elderly woman. In that moment I understood how she must have felt when I complimented her. I realised, how much I miss compliments and how important they are for our feelings of wellbeing and self-worth. My late hubby always told me how nice I looked. When I was feeling low, he would always say something positive to lift my spirit. Now I’m on my own there is no one to do that. I realised how much I miss it. 

We all need a boost now and then. More so those of us who are dealing with loss when for many our feelings of self-worth have been severely shattered. When a loved one dies, an important source of positive reinforcement dies as well. That hadn’t really dawned on me until this week. 

Positive reinforcement is so important. Particularly so when it’s in the form of a heartfelt compliment received from people we have never met. 

I think that lady (some years ago) came into my life (albeit fleetingly) to remind me of the importance of being spontaneous. Not to feel shy about giving someone you’ve never met a boost. Trust me, it can make all the difference. I’m so glad I made the connection this week. Lesson learned. 

You see all things do happen for a reason. 

If My Passing Has Left A Hole In Your Heart....

It was such a lovely day yesterday; a crisp morning, followed by sunshine. I spent a lot of time in my garden doing as you do after the rain we’ve had this week. It’s always a great time for reflection. I was thinking about some of the ladies from a support group I’m involved with. In particular, those who are struggling to deal with facing life alone. 

I thought if things reversed and I had died first what would I say to Richard. It would go something like this. 

Then I realised it’s what Richard would say if he could. I’d give anything to have my old life back, I can’t so I make the best of the cards they have dealt me. Along with my little cat Aslan, I have to say we have little to complain about. I pray that those who are finding it so hard find some comfort in accepting those who have left us wouldn’t want us to be broken hearted. They would want us to fill the hole they left behind with love, laughter and hope for the future. 

“Faith sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.”

My Tree and I

I looked at my tree this morning. Its leaves are turning and it won’t be long before I have to spend hours raking up the fall. I thought back to sitting in the same spot almost a year ago. I was feeling devastated at the time and then I looked up at the tree and it told me a story. It was a story of how we are often stripped bare by events in our lives. But it also told me a story of ‘rebirth’ and hope for the future.

As I gaze at my tree now, I’m reminded that we’ve both survived another year. We’re stronger because of it. We’ve learnt a lot over the past 12-months. We’ve both shed ‘leaves’ that were dragging us down. In their place we grew new stronger ‘leaves’ to sustain us on our journey of life.

I don’t know what the universe has in store for me over the next 12-months. But whatever it holds in store I feel it will be better than the year that has just gone. And, the past year has been positive in helping me rebuild my life. I am stronger, healthier and mentally better prepared. I’ve learnt it takes time to heal and to rebuild your reserves to take us forward. Something I read this morning. “The march of providence is slow; it is the devil who always hurries.” I think there is a lot of truth in that.

We need to take time to recover and it’s only two years and five months to the day since Richard died. I’ve learnt not to be so impatient and not to place unrealistic expectations on myself. I’ve learnt we need to give ourselves time to grieve. Most important of all I’ve learnt to open up and share because in sharing I’ve helped others and in turn they have helped me. So now, I wonder what my world will look like this time in 2019. I can’t wait to find out. I’ll just ignore the birthday.