National Day of Action against Bullying and Violence

A lot will be said and written about bullying today much of it focusing on children and schools. I have no problem with that given that suicide is the greatest cause of death of young people in Australia. A very large percentage because of bullying.

But, I want to focus on adults. We can not ignore that children learn from others be that peers, or adults; parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, celebrities and leaders from every walk of life. Spend time on social media and you soon discover the disgraceful behaviour of those same adults and it’s getting worse. So is it any wonder childhood bullying is out of control? You don’t have to be Einstein to figure it out.

I had two friends who committed suicide because of bullying. They weren’t snowflakes as many online bullies delight in labelling others. They were intelligent and successful people who couldn’t take the abuse anymore. Unrelenting bullying destroyed them as people to the point they felt they had no self-worth. 

When adults set out to bully others on social media, they rarely have any insight into the person they are attacking. Not everyone on the receiving end is an insensitive buffoon as those on the delivery end are. Often people have good cause to feel pain when they are bullied by others. It can be for  as little as supporting an alternative opinion or being a different colour, a different religion or from another country. 

The belief people just have to toughen up and suck it up only goes so far. When adults laugh at others who feel intimidated and then copy in their bullying friends on social media who join the so called party it can be overwhelming. I’ve been on the receiving end of that behaviour a few times. I won’t backdown to bullies but not everyone is me. Everyone one of us who frequents social media has a responsibility to speak up and demand it stops.

And, when you cheer on leaders in this case I will single out Donald Trump (as the example) who has made it a strategy to belittle, bully and attack others you need to ask yourself are you justifying his behaviour? How is that different from kids in a schoolyard mocking, bullying and belittling others? It isn’t. There can be no rule that says it’s OK for adults to bully but kids can’t or shouldn’t. It’s OK not to like someone or to disagree with them but it’s NOT OK to bully, humiliate, degrade and disrespect someone who has done you no harm regardless of who you are. 

So on this ‘National Day of Action against Bullying and Violence’ by all means speak up about kids who bully but don’t you dare let adults off the hook. I won’t. 

Why We Talk About Them

Somebody asked to me, “Why do you still talk about Richard so much?” To be frank, I was taken aback by the question. So let me explain why I and many others still talk about those we have loved and lost. 

I talk about him because I spent over 50% of my life with him. It’s only been a little over two years since he died. 

I talk about him because he was and still is a big part of my life. 

I talk about him because what I am today has so much to do with him and our life together. 

I talk about him because I made a vow to him and I loved him; death does not change that. 

I talk about him because it keeps him alive in the minds of others. 

I talk about because memories are important and they make me feel happy and connected. 

I talk about him because I don’t want others to forget him and some people have. He would never have forgotten them. 

I talk about him and what we shared in the hope some others will start to appreciate what they have before it’s too late. 

I talk about him because I miss him and I need to, to try and keep my life real and to keep perspective. 

I talk about him because I still share his name and I always will. 

I know I am not the only person to have been asked the same question. And I probably will not be the last. Many in the past have shared their reasons why they still talked about their husbands and wives. I’m sharing mine in the hope those who read this will think before they ask anyone else the question. And, when your friends and relatives talk about those they have lost you will let them. 

I know in my case I don’t do it because I can’t move on, I’m well down that path. I’ve reached a point where I am happy and contented in my life. I’m thankful I got to share such a big part of my life with Richard. I’m doing my best to live my life as he would wish.  And, I know he is still around albeit I can’t see him. I want him to know I will never forget him. I hope others will respect that. 

“There is nothing sadder than to know the memory of someone we have cherished has been forgotten and never be spoken of again.” 

The Importance of Positive Thinking

When we find ourselves in those dark places we frequent in grief, it’s sometimes hard to see a way forward. But for our own wellbeing we need to find something that helps us dig our way out. Cultivating a more positive outlook on life is vital why this quote from Gandhi makes so much sense.  

Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. 

Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviour. 

Keep your behaviour positive because your behaviour becomes your habits. 

Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. 

Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.

But that’s easier said than done when everything looks black. So, here are several suggestions to help get started. 

1. Make a list of every positive thing you can think of in your life. Even if it’s just one, it’s a start. You can add to the list later if needed. 

1. Write your loved one a daily letter. Tell them what your day has been like and what you have done. You will be pleasantly surprised what you actually do achieve. Reading back over these letters in months to come gives you a wonderful insight into your progress. 

1. Identify what is the worse thing that can happen to you now? Once you’ve identified it figure out three solutions to fix it. Being prepared makes difficult things easier to manage. 

1. Start a list of the things you have achieved in life. This can be things you have achieved yourself and what you achieved with your partner. It often surprises just what we have done and what we continue to achieve in our lives. 

1. Find a new hobby. It doesn’t have to be grand just something to focus your attention. 

Once we develop the habit of focusing on the positive things in life, it’s surprising how our life looks more bearable. As we continue to practice positive thought we start to enjoy life again. 

Nature, Our Greatest Teacher

What makes me happy? Interesting question posed this week by an acquaintance. I find I get the greatest pleasure out of simple things these days. One of them is mucking around in my garden and where I was when I noticed how stunning these leaves were.

I love nature because it can show us what we don’t always recognise in ourselves if we care to take the time to look.

These leaves are dying, but their colours are so strong. I smiled because they’re not giving in without a fight; they are defiant and in being so they are more lovely than ever; turning from green to vibrant red and black. It reminded me of many people I know. People who are fighting to get their lives back together after losing their partners. And it similarly applies to many who are facing other challenges in their lives.

I was talking with a woman last week. Her husband died 18-months ago, and she’s lost, lonely and afraid. The struggle to keep going can overwhelm many people. This poor woman said she didn’t think she could keep going. But I reminded her she has survived these past 18 months, and that is an achievement. She should be proud of that. For the first time she recognised that in herself and she understood she can keep going. 

The way many people fight to survive a loss, the determination they show and their dignity is inspiring. But, we don’t see it or appreciate it in ourselves. But as with the leaf, others see it and it motivates them to keep going.

These stunning leaves will turn black, wither and die but in their place will emerge a new leaf. That could be our story of our struggles in the challenges we face to let go of the life we were familiar with, our life as a couple. Then to discover and embrace a new life, a life as just us.

I shared my leaf story with my help group. I received many acknowledgements but these two in particular meant so much.

“Thank you. I needed a reminder of what is real life not the fake. God shows us in every aspects of life how deep true beauty is in small things He had created. Thanks again.”

“You made us all look again with in ourselves.”

I thank those stunning leaves for making me think and in doing so to help others do the same.

Debasish Mridha summed it up most eloquently with this quote, "Make nature your best teacher. With great love, learn from her the lessons of life." 

An observation by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. 

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. 

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. 

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. 

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete. 

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. 

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. 

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by those moments that take our breath away.

The Cicada Shell

I am a storyteller at heart. As with all storytellers we see symbolism and stories to motivate, encourage and teach us in many things; particularly in nature. This is a story of a Cicada shell.  

I shared this story with my Hope Group this morning. In our case the symbolism applies to dealing with loss and struggling to rebuild our lives. But it can apply to many struggles people face today. To you the shell might be a rather boring and colourless Cicada shell. But I see it as a thing of beauty and this is why.

This empty Cicada shell has been clinging to a Bottlebrush Tree in my garden for two weeks. Despite what at times have been fierce winds, it is still there. It’s a graphic metaphor of what many of us experience after losing our husbands and wives. 

Our hearts and souls ripped away until all that remains of us is an empty shell. But it is more than just that, it is a symbol of a struggle to survive. The struggle the Cicada went through to break free to enable it to live again as a ‘new’ Cicada. I realized the shell is a reminder that despite their struggle, the Cicada lived. They have changed, but they are free to live again just as we will survive and continue to live after the death of our partners. We will be different, possibly even better people, but we are still us. 

Yes, the shell is dull and brown but if you look closly you will also see the shimmer of gold. And yes it is empty, but it wears the scars of struggle and it tells a much bigger story, a better story, a story of life and of hope.

I've Found Another Key

Every day, I hear stories told by women and men just like me who are trying to come to terms with losing their partners. I’m thankful I am in a better place than many not to say it’s any easier. But I continue to look for ways to bring normality back into my life and I search for things to inspire and motivate me. I'm pleased to say life is returning to a level of normal but I have to keep working on keeping it there.

Many years ago a wise soul said, “For every adversity there is the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.” It took a while to grasp what he meant but I’ve accepted what he said is true; it’s never failed me even in my darkest hours. I am also a subscriber to the theory we are what we think and how essential developing a positive outlook can be. It is essential not only for our happiness but also our general wellbeing.

So what a surprise it was to find myself morphing into the morass of self-pity following the death of my husband. I’ve never been a self-absorbed person and I've never thought the world revolved around me the self-pitying me shocked me to the core. We learn to become very good actors and the face I presented to the world was positive if somewhat subdued but behind closed doors the story was very different. The problem is when you are in a dark place finding the way out appears insurmountable.

I have always been emotionally strong but even the strongest experience feelings of weakness and helplessness at times. One of the problems with being strong is people just expect you to "get on with it'. In the first few weeks I received generous support but most of us soon discover it does not last long. Then we are left on our own with too much time to dwell on us. With that comes feelings of abandonment and it’s only natural we turn inwards and self-pity is the result. None of us likes admitting to that and whilst we can often fool others we can rarely fool ourselves.

My world literally crumbled when my husband died; in fact it was blown into a million fragments. We never had children and our world was each other. I convinced myself I would never get over his death and with that the spiral down started. Without going into details I had reached a low ebb.  Thankfully I recognised before it was too late I needed to do something and quickly. When we reach the depths of despair, there are only two options; keep sinking further into the mire or find a way out. Looking for a positive path was the only real choice for me, the question then became how? Then I found this gem;

"While we are mourning the loss of our spouses, others are rejoicing in welcoming them behind the veil.” At last something made sense and another key to changing was right there; the realisation the story is not just about me.

I loved my husband; he was my soul mate, best friend, mentor, protector and so much more. But, I wasn’t the only one who loved him and yes, my love was the love of a wife but no way does it lessen the depth of love others had for him. We share the lives of those we love with many people and as partners we were neither their first love nor the first ones to love them back.

Richard was an only child and his Mother adored him and he idolised her. Richard had just turned 18 when his mother died and coincidently both died in the street in December. Richard missed his Mother and this loss was more acute in later life. Richard’s Dad was so proud of his son and whilst he told many of us how much he loved his son he never told Richard. Such a shame because regardless of how many times we told Richard what his Dad said, he never heard his Dad say it and it makes all the difference.  There is a lesson in that, never give up the chance to tell someone you love them it might be the last chance you get. Richard also had a step-mother who thought the world of him. All three are dead. When I thought about it I could imagine how happy they all must have been welcoming Richard to his new life; rejoicing with him behind the veil.

Yes, I have been left behind as my time in this life has not as yet been completed. It goes without saying I would much prefer Richard hadn't died. We had so much more to do with our lives. But, how can I deny him the joy of seeing those he loved again? Or, deny a mother who missed out on so much of her son’s life on earth; or a father who I pray has finally told his son how much he loves him. And who could forget his wonderfully crazy step-mother whom we both loved dearly. I loved all of them and I find such comfort in thinking about how happy they must be to be together again.

I'm not a deeply religious person but I do have very strong spiritual beliefs one of those is my belief in our soul life. The thought of us all meeting up in the next life is perfectly normal.

Very early on I declared I would never be the same and I would never recover from Richard's death. I was wrong, why? Because death doesn't fundamentally change who we are, our old selves, the person our spouses loved is still buried within. How we view life, how we relate to others and, how we live our lives after a death may well be different, but that is not unusual with a normal life. We change all the time but we are still us.

We are capable of being whatever we choose to be; happy or sad. I think most people prefer to be happy I know that's my choice. The key is to find a way to bring that old self to the fore again and thinking differently about death and our loss in particular, is one of the keys. When I thought about that insightful quote I understood that loving someone enough to find joy in releasing them back into the care of those who loved them would also release me.

Coping with death is like living in a dark house with many doors. The challenge is to keep looking for the keys to unlock the doors to lead us into the light again. With this I have found another key.