Every day, I hear stories told by
women and men just like me who are trying to come to terms with losing their
partners. I’m thankful I am in a better place than many not to say it’s any
easier. But I continue to look for ways to bring normality back into my
life and I search for things to inspire and motivate me. I'm pleased to say
life is returning to a level of normal but I have to keep working on keeping it
there.
Many years ago a wise soul said, “For
every adversity there is the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.” It took
a while to grasp what he meant but I’ve accepted what he said is true;
it’s never failed me even in my darkest hours. I am also a subscriber to
the theory we are what we think and how essential developing a positive outlook
can be. It is essential not only for our happiness but also our general wellbeing.
So what a surprise it was to
find myself morphing into the morass of self-pity following the death of my
husband. I’ve never been a self-absorbed person and I've never
thought the world revolved around me the self-pitying me shocked me to the core.
We learn to become very good actors and the face I presented to the world was
positive if somewhat subdued but behind closed doors the story was very
different. The problem is when you are in a dark place finding the way out
appears insurmountable.
I have always been emotionally strong
but even the strongest experience feelings of weakness and helplessness at
times. One of the problems with being strong is people just expect you to
"get on with it'. In the first few weeks I received generous support but
most of us soon discover it does not last long. Then we are left on our own
with too much time to dwell on us. With that comes feelings of abandonment and
it’s only natural we turn inwards and self-pity is the result. None of us likes
admitting to that and whilst we can often fool others we can rarely fool
ourselves.
My world literally crumbled when my
husband died; in fact it was blown into a million fragments. We never
had children and our world was each other. I convinced myself I would
never get over his death and with that the spiral down
started. Without going into details I had reached a low ebb. Thankfully
I recognised before it was too late I needed to do something and quickly. When
we reach the depths of despair, there are only two options; keep sinking
further into the mire or find a way out. Looking for a positive path was the
only real choice for me, the question then became how? Then
I found this gem;
"While we are mourning the loss
of our spouses, others are rejoicing in welcoming them behind the veil.” At
last something made sense and another key to changing was right there; the
realisation the story is not just about me.
I loved my husband; he was my soul
mate, best friend, mentor, protector and so much more. But, I wasn’t the only
one who loved him and yes, my love was the love of a wife but no way does it
lessen the depth of love others had for him. We share the lives of those we
love with many people and as partners we were neither their first love nor the
first ones to love them back.
Richard was an only child and his
Mother adored him and he idolised her. Richard had just turned 18 when his
mother died and coincidently both died in the street in December. Richard
missed his Mother and this loss was more acute in later life. Richard’s Dad was
so proud of his son and whilst he told many of us how much he loved his son he
never told Richard. Such a shame because regardless of how many times we told
Richard what his Dad said, he never heard his Dad say it and it makes all the difference.
There is a lesson in that, never give up the chance to tell someone you
love them it might be the last chance you get. Richard also had a step-mother
who thought the world of him. All three are dead. When I thought about it I
could imagine how happy they all must have been welcoming Richard to his new
life; rejoicing with him behind the veil.
Yes, I have been left behind as my
time in this life has not as yet been completed. It goes without saying I would
much prefer Richard hadn't died. We had so much more to do with our lives. But,
how can I deny him the joy of seeing those he loved again? Or, deny a mother
who missed out on so much of her son’s life on earth; or a father who I pray
has finally told his son how much he loves him. And who could forget his
wonderfully crazy step-mother whom we both loved dearly. I loved all of them
and I find such comfort in thinking about how happy they must be to be together
again.
I'm not a deeply religious person but
I do have very strong spiritual beliefs one of those is my belief in our soul
life. The thought of us all meeting up in the next life is perfectly normal.
Very early on I declared I would
never be the same and I would never recover from Richard's death. I was
wrong, why? Because death doesn't fundamentally change who we
are, our old selves, the person our spouses loved is still buried within. How
we view life, how we relate to others and, how we live our lives after a death
may well be different, but that is not unusual with a normal life. We change
all the time but we are still us.
We are capable of being whatever we
choose to be; happy or sad. I think most people prefer to be happy I know
that's my choice. The key is to find a way to bring that old self to the fore
again and thinking differently about death and our loss in particular, is one
of the keys. When I thought about that insightful quote
I understood that loving someone enough to find joy in releasing
them back into the care of those who loved them would also release me.
Coping with death is like living in a
dark house with many doors. The challenge is to keep looking for the keys to
unlock the doors to lead us into the light again. With this I have found
another key.
