It Will Never Just Be Another Day

 The dilemma of explaining it’s not just another day. Even after nearly seven years, I still (inwardly) struggle with this. In a week’s time, October 2 is my husband’s birthday. Two months after on December 8 will be the anniversary of his death, the 7th since his passing. In a discussion with my brother yesterday, he said, “But it’s really just another day, isn’t it?” That felt like stab through my heart.

He didn’t say it to be unkind because he loved my husband and misses him. He also loves me. He was trying (in a clumsy way) to be helpful. But as we know, those who have not been through the loss of the person they shared every aspect of their life with can ever understand that it is not just another day. It’s the day we relive every minute of the last birthday or the last day of their life. It’s the day that we think about everything that has been taken from us. It’s the day that we have to accept all over again that they’re never coming back. No it is not just another day.

I went on to explain that for 363 days of the year I get on with living life but on those two anniversary days I’m back to where I started. Time does not change that. It will never just be another day for me.

The Victim Shield

Life can be hard and conflicting. Whilst some are rejoicing in a new life, others are dealing with death. Or trying to come to terms with what is ahead. It is in moments like this that we ask so many questions.

 Why are they so happy and I’m at the depths of despair?

 

Why did they take my husband?

 

Why am I the one left to cope with this?

 

I wasn’t prepared for this. Why me?

 

How can I face life on my own? I’m not ready!

 

There are so many whys. We simply don’t know what the answers are and so we do our best to figure out how to deal with it. We often have to battle resentment toward those who appear to have everything. We doubt ourselves. Worst of all, it is so very easy to take on the mantle of victim. Why me? Why am I left here? Why do I have to suffer the pain of loss? If we aren’t careful and without being aware of it, why and I become our Victim Shield. When we are in that space, it’s very hard to be positive about anything.

 

I’ve been in a bit of dark space these last few days. Not because of my loss, I’ve learnt to deal with that and have a good life now. It is a loss that is to come, that of a much loved nephew who is entering the final stages of terminal cancer. I’ve asked the why question many times. Why him, why them? He still has half his life ahead of him. I also know what his equally loved wife is facing. Thinking about this has surfaced the dark days of dealing with my husband’s death, albeit his was very sudden. When I find myself in places like this, I find solace on my beach.

 

I live on the east coast of Australia. We are currently witnessing the aftermath of the underwater volcano eruption off Tonga along our shores. When I was watching the surf yesterday, I was reminded the reality is life is full of ebbs and flows just like the oceans. And when things happen, particularly when we aren’t prepared for them, it’s so easy to put up the Victim Shield. That is exactly what I had been doing since hearing the news from my nephew. The endless why me? Why our family again? Haven’t we lost enough already? How am I going to cope with another loss? Me, me, me! 

 

But the ocean will settle again just as we all will despite what we believe. Why? Because everything in life is temporary. Nothing is permanent. Life itself is temporary, and why should we be spared from loss when others aren’t? The pain and fear I was experiencing these last few days will be temporary.

 

Whilst sometimes in life, things happen that seem unfair, inexplicable or challenging. If we can find the courage to open our hearts and minds and acknowledge we’re being guided to our destiny and that certain experiences are necessary for our growth, then there is the glimmer of hope that we will emerge stronger and better equipped to help others. That’s what life is really all about, helping each other. That helps us find our purpose and meaning in death. 

 

 

Before you turn the light out tonight…

I wrote this for people on a Facebook Community I’m a part of for people who have lost their husbands or wives. However, it applies to anyone dealing with death or loss of any kind. Even those of us who are finding just surviving day in, day out is a struggle. 

The Power of Yet

Losing our life partner, for most of us, is the hardest thing we have ever had (or will ever have) to deal with. And it is for the rest of our life that we have to. It is not one of those things that we just “get-over” or cure. It can be utterly debilitating and it can so easy to just give up. 

However, I’m a believer that we can and need to keep going. It’s not easy by any stretch but those who loved us (and still do) would want us to at least try. That is where the Power of Yet can play a very important role. 

If we just pick one thing we can’t do and change how we deal with that, it can and will make a difference. Once we have fixed one, move onto the next thing. Just work through the list one at a time and as we tick each one off, our lives will change. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, we simply work at our own pace. 

Life may never be as happy or filled with love that it once was, but we can find peace and contentment. That is so much better than where many of us were and, sadly, many still are. So each time we hit a wall and can not do something rather than say I can not do this, add YET. ♥️♥️♥️

I posted this on a community page I share for people who have lost their husbands or wives. But this principle can apply to any challenge in life not just dealing with grief. Changing how we approach obstacles can make all the difference. 

Something Special Happened To Me Today

I was walking on the beach searching for shells. Shells are usually perceived as feminine; a symbol of birth, good fortune, and resurrection. We could all do with some good fortune. 

On the way down to the beach, I walked by a Scottish Thistle. It reminded me of my childhood in the country. We used to wait for them to dry and go a beautiful silver and we’d used them as chandeliers in our cubby house. It was a nice memory but nothing more that the time. 

I was walking along the waters edge trying to spy a nice shell specimen but it’s very hard to find perfect shells on an open coastline like ours. I’d walked some distance and couldn’t find anything that wasn’t broken. Then I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Lonely in the sense of missing those who have left, particularly Richard and of course my mum, dad, and sister. I felt very sad, very alone

However, I kept walking and then I realised in front of me was one beautiful shell after another. I picked up three. On the way back, I looked for a shady area to just rest and breathe in the salt air. I found a rocky spot at the edge of the sand near the bush and sat down. I looked to my side and to my amazement there on the rock was this beautiful, slightly weather-worn but almost perfect shell. I picked it up to add to the three I already had. 

I wasn’t far from the steps leading up to the walkway home and a beautiful black and white border collie raced up to me. I had noticed her sitting with her owner. He waved and I waved back. She reminded me of my childhood border collie, Lassie. I found out her name is Emmie. She is a beautiful dog, I could have easily stolen her. 

So what is the amazing bit? I believe when people leave us, they still keep an eye out for us. Particularly in those moments when we are feeling low. They show us they’re around in leaving signs. Two of the people most dear to me showed me today; my dad and my Richard. 

My dad always told us how amazing our chandeliers were. He also knew how special Lassie was to me. Richard knows I love shells and symbolism. You see we never truly walk alone despite how we feel at times. 

Just those three little things; a thistle, a shell and a dog can have so much meaning. They certainly did for me today. 

The Influence of Numbers in Our life

When a partner dies we never believe we will be able to live again. I know I thought that way. But time and our approach and most importantly the positive influences in our lives proves otherwise for most of us. Yesterday was one of those major turning point for me. What strikes me is the influence of the number 6 and the impact that is having on my life. 

Anniversaries, following the death of a loved one are never easy. Yesterday, being my birthday was the first anniversary day of the 6th year. 

I’ve never been that into celebrating events, but Richard was. He always made a big deal out of my birthday. The last five years I’ve dreaded my birthday and usually spent the day by myself having a good old sob. Or putting on a brave face until I could escape back to the sanctuary of home and then feeling utterly miserable. 

But yesterday, being the 6th without him, was completely the opposite. I had a great day with not one hint of sadness. Just brilliant company, fabulous food and wine, and lots of laughs. Not one tear was shed, and I just thought that Richard would have loved the day. 

So, where does 6 come into it? Well, it’s the 6th birthday without him. April 17: I’m moving into my number 6 house. April is the 4th month; add 4,1,7 = 12 div by 2 = 6. 

The number 6 is the most harmonious and caring number. It projects the attributes of charm (I might have to work on this one 😊), amity, love, care, compassion, friendship, insight, health, beauty. It is the only number that has more positive qualities and less negative qualities when compared to any other number. 

A house number 6 promotes the artistic expression of the dweller. It’s the perfect home for people who love cooking (I’ve just got back into that) painting, writing and music (my passions). Dwellers also like symmetry and refinement. 

I have a good life and I’m very grateful for what I have. However, since Richard died, there’s always that black cloud hanging above. On anniversary days that’s when it’s the blackest. After yesterday I feel that cloud is not so black, and it’s moved higher up and that is such a great feeling. 

I can’t wait to see how the rest of year six turns out and I just know it’s going to be fabulous.

Finding The Artists of the Spirit

 Last week a friend posted this. It happens to be one of my favourite pieces. 

“I have learnt to surf the waves of anguish which roll through, the waves now less frequent and less intense.” 

It’s a beautiful statement that was written by Monica Zwolsman when telling her story of being widowed twice and facing the death of her 16-month-old son. Her book is well worth a read. 

Monica prefaced her waves statement in saying. “Of course the deep sorrow and horror of my past never go away and it is always lurking in the neighbourhood of my mind. But I have learnt to surf the waves of anguish which roll through, the waves now less frequent and less intense.” 

I resonate with that. She is right; the waves do become less frequent and intense, but now and then they do rise and viciously crash over me. This is one of those weeks. It’s a combination of several things, but mainly the fact that I’m about to embark on another major life change. Another one that Richard won’t share. With each change, the threads to my past life become ever more fragile and thin as the chapters of my new life are written. 

So in search of motivation I found this beautiful piece written by ~ Joshua Loth Liebman. 

“The melody that the loved one played upon the piano of your life will never be played quite that way again, but we must not close the keyboard and allow the instrument to gather dust. We must seek out other artists of the spirit, new friends who gradually will help us to find the road to life again, who will walk the road with us.”

So what does finding my artists of the spirit really mean. After a bit of soul searching and exploring, this is what it means to me. 

When we dig deeper into our being, we understand that we have so many pressures in life. It’s understandable that many of us feel overwhelmed, pushed and pulled. It’s not only by the pressures we place on ourselves, but it’s by the emotions and manipulations of others. When that happens, we get out of balance; we’re not centred. That’s when we stray, off course. With that, we give or leak our power, away. 

When that happens we lose our energy. That makes us tired, unmotivated and even afraid. If this goes on long enough, we become sick and even depressed. We don’t always speak our truth because we are afraid we’ll lose love and connection. But in not doing so, we often lose the love and connection with ourselves. 

On reflection, finding the artists of the spirit is about finding ourselves. Taking back our power and speaking our truth. Cleansing our souls and our surroundings of negativity. It is about our deeper spirituality. The spirituality of how we live life day by day, moment by moment. It is the way we do what we do and the energy, quality, sincerity, determination, attention, character we carry for living our life. The foot prints and energy we leave as we go. 

I said to a friend last week that I wanted to get back to a simple life. That means the connection of body, mind, energy and spirit. Combining the four elements air, fire, water and earth.

The Element of Air represents our mental body - our mind, thinking, perceptions and analysing. 

The Element of Fire represents energy and our energetic body. The action of fire is about movement–in body, mind, energy and life.

The Element of Water represents our emotional body. The action of water is opening, flow and fluidity. 

The Element of Earth represents our physical body and the action of earth is supporting and nourishing ourselves - inside and out.

Today I took the first step in creating my new environment. I went down to my new home and burnt white sage to purify the place and cleanse it of negative energy. I will at least start with a clean slate. Exploring my artists of the spirit will be a fascinating journey.