My Tree and I

I looked at my tree this morning. Its leaves are turning and it won’t be long before I have to spend hours raking up the fall. I thought back to sitting in the same spot almost a year ago. I was feeling devastated at the time and then I looked up at the tree and it told me a story. It was a story of how we are often stripped bare by events in our lives. But it also told me a story of ‘rebirth’ and hope for the future.

As I gaze at my tree now, I’m reminded that we’ve both survived another year. We’re stronger because of it. We’ve learnt a lot over the past 12-months. We’ve both shed ‘leaves’ that were dragging us down. In their place we grew new stronger ‘leaves’ to sustain us on our journey of life.

I don’t know what the universe has in store for me over the next 12-months. But whatever it holds in store I feel it will be better than the year that has just gone. And, the past year has been positive in helping me rebuild my life. I am stronger, healthier and mentally better prepared. I’ve learnt it takes time to heal and to rebuild your reserves to take us forward. Something I read this morning. “The march of providence is slow; it is the devil who always hurries.” I think there is a lot of truth in that.

We need to take time to recover and it’s only two years and five months to the day since Richard died. I’ve learnt not to be so impatient and not to place unrealistic expectations on myself. I’ve learnt we need to give ourselves time to grieve. Most important of all I’ve learnt to open up and share because in sharing I’ve helped others and in turn they have helped me. So now, I wonder what my world will look like this time in 2019. I can’t wait to find out. I’ll just ignore the birthday.

We Can Change Our World

We can’t bring back those who have died despite how hard we pray. But we can make the best of what we have left. We have to trust that what we want in life will keep unfolding. The key is to focus and keep focusing on what we want. Ask for it and believe we will get it. Don’t be discouraged if we don’t get it right away. If you want it enough, it will happen when the time is right. But we have to believe it will and not let negativity creep back into our thoughts. 

Don’t look too far ahead, remember we don’t have to see the whole road. We only need to see far enough ahead to see where we are heading and to keep us on the path. Take it one day at a time.  

We have lost someone very important to us but (regardless of what we sometimes think) we haven’t lost everything. As soon as we feel differently about what we have, we will attract more of the good things. The things that make us happy. So be thankful and give gratitude for what we have now. Believe in and ask for what we want. Remember, we have the power to change our world. 

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought.” ~ Buddha

Autobiography Of My Life In 5 Chapters

No one knows who wrote this but I love it.

Autobiography Of My Life In 5 Chapters

Chapter 1.

I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost..I am hopeless
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2.

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don’t see it
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place
But it isn’t my fault
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3.

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it is there.
I still fall in, it’s a habit
My eyes are open I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4.

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.

Chapter 5.

I walk down another street.

Life is often like that. We are faced with numerous events in our life that can throw us of course. We fall into a deep hole and it’s sometimes very hard to get out but we have to try. Often it isn’t our fault. Losing a loved one is definitely not our fault but many of us plunge into the deepest of holes as a result. However with perseverance and patience we will succeed.

Life in general can be very unfair at times. But we can’t just keep blaming someone else. It’s up to us to deal with the cards we are dealt harsh as that may seem. We must always remember....

If Only We Had Known

Yesterday a meme was shared with my support group. It read:

“The death of a spouse or partner is different than other losses in the sense that it literally changes every single thing in your world going forward. When your spouse dies, the way you eat changes. The way you watch TV changes. Your friend circle changes (or disappears entirely). Your family dynamic/life changes (or disappears entirely). Your financial status changes. Your job situation changes. It effects your self-worth, your self-esteem, your confidence, the way you breathe and your mentality. Your brain function changes. Have you heard of the term ‘widow brain’? If you don’t know what that is, count yourself very lucky. Your physical body, your hobbies and your interests change. Your sense of security. Your sense of humour. Your sense of womanhood or manhood. EVERY, SINGLE THING CHANGES. You are handed a new life that you never asked for and that you don’t particularly want. It is the hardest, most gut-wrenching, horrific, life-altering of things to live with.”

I am sharing this in my blog for no other reason than perhaps it will help others to understand what losing a life partner is like. Until I was faced with it myself I had no idea.

My brother and I were talking on the topic this week. He is battling losing a son in tragic circumstances nine months ago. We both said we wished we had understood the enormity of what people face before I had to learn the hard way. If we had, we would have been more understanding and a better son and daughter when our mum died. We would have been a better brother and sister-in-law when my sister died. Even better friends when others have lost husbands and wives. We won’t make the same mistakes again.

I’m one of the fortunate ones. I’ve not had to deal with financial challenges but I have experienced everything else. It can overwhelm. It is even harder when death is sudden and unexpected as it was in my case because we have no time to plan or to prepare ourselves.

Life experiences teaches us something if we bother to take the time to understand what the lesson is. As a deeply private person learning to open up and to share experiences has been one of the lessons for me. So if sharing this it helps just one person to be more understanding and supportive then sharing has been worthwhile.

National Day of Action against Bullying and Violence

A lot will be said and written about bullying today much of it focusing on children and schools. I have no problem with that given that suicide is the greatest cause of death of young people in Australia. A very large percentage because of bullying.

But, I want to focus on adults. We can not ignore that children learn from others be that peers, or adults; parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, celebrities and leaders from every walk of life. Spend time on social media and you soon discover the disgraceful behaviour of those same adults and it’s getting worse. So is it any wonder childhood bullying is out of control? You don’t have to be Einstein to figure it out.

I had two friends who committed suicide because of bullying. They weren’t snowflakes as many online bullies delight in labelling others. They were intelligent and successful people who couldn’t take the abuse anymore. Unrelenting bullying destroyed them as people to the point they felt they had no self-worth. 

When adults set out to bully others on social media, they rarely have any insight into the person they are attacking. Not everyone on the receiving end is an insensitive buffoon as those on the delivery end are. Often people have good cause to feel pain when they are bullied by others. It can be for  as little as supporting an alternative opinion or being a different colour, a different religion or from another country. 

The belief people just have to toughen up and suck it up only goes so far. When adults laugh at others who feel intimidated and then copy in their bullying friends on social media who join the so called party it can be overwhelming. I’ve been on the receiving end of that behaviour a few times. I won’t backdown to bullies but not everyone is me. Everyone one of us who frequents social media has a responsibility to speak up and demand it stops.

And, when you cheer on leaders in this case I will single out Donald Trump (as the example) who has made it a strategy to belittle, bully and attack others you need to ask yourself are you justifying his behaviour? How is that different from kids in a schoolyard mocking, bullying and belittling others? It isn’t. There can be no rule that says it’s OK for adults to bully but kids can’t or shouldn’t. It’s OK not to like someone or to disagree with them but it’s NOT OK to bully, humiliate, degrade and disrespect someone who has done you no harm regardless of who you are. 

So on this ‘National Day of Action against Bullying and Violence’ by all means speak up about kids who bully but don’t you dare let adults off the hook. I won’t. 

Why We Talk About Them

Somebody asked to me, “Why do you still talk about Richard so much?” To be frank, I was taken aback by the question. So let me explain why I and many others still talk about those we have loved and lost. 

I talk about him because I spent over 50% of my life with him. It’s only been a little over two years since he died. 

I talk about him because he was and still is a big part of my life. 

I talk about him because what I am today has so much to do with him and our life together. 

I talk about him because I made a vow to him and I loved him; death does not change that. 

I talk about him because it keeps him alive in the minds of others. 

I talk about because memories are important and they make me feel happy and connected. 

I talk about him because I don’t want others to forget him and some people have. He would never have forgotten them. 

I talk about him and what we shared in the hope some others will start to appreciate what they have before it’s too late. 

I talk about him because I miss him and I need to, to try and keep my life real and to keep perspective. 

I talk about him because I still share his name and I always will. 

I know I am not the only person to have been asked the same question. And I probably will not be the last. Many in the past have shared their reasons why they still talked about their husbands and wives. I’m sharing mine in the hope those who read this will think before they ask anyone else the question. And, when your friends and relatives talk about those they have lost you will let them. 

I know in my case I don’t do it because I can’t move on, I’m well down that path. I’ve reached a point where I am happy and contented in my life. I’m thankful I got to share such a big part of my life with Richard. I’m doing my best to live my life as he would wish.  And, I know he is still around albeit I can’t see him. I want him to know I will never forget him. I hope others will respect that. 

“There is nothing sadder than to know the memory of someone we have cherished has been forgotten and never be spoken of again.” 

The Importance of Positive Thinking

When we find ourselves in those dark places we frequent in grief, it’s sometimes hard to see a way forward. But for our own wellbeing we need to find something that helps us dig our way out. Cultivating a more positive outlook on life is vital why this quote from Gandhi makes so much sense.  

Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. 

Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviour. 

Keep your behaviour positive because your behaviour becomes your habits. 

Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. 

Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.

But that’s easier said than done when everything looks black. So, here are several suggestions to help get started. 

1. Make a list of every positive thing you can think of in your life. Even if it’s just one, it’s a start. You can add to the list later if needed. 

1. Write your loved one a daily letter. Tell them what your day has been like and what you have done. You will be pleasantly surprised what you actually do achieve. Reading back over these letters in months to come gives you a wonderful insight into your progress. 

1. Identify what is the worse thing that can happen to you now? Once you’ve identified it figure out three solutions to fix it. Being prepared makes difficult things easier to manage. 

1. Start a list of the things you have achieved in life. This can be things you have achieved yourself and what you achieved with your partner. It often surprises just what we have done and what we continue to achieve in our lives. 

1. Find a new hobby. It doesn’t have to be grand just something to focus your attention. 

Once we develop the habit of focusing on the positive things in life, it’s surprising how our life looks more bearable. As we continue to practice positive thought we start to enjoy life again.