Birthdays: I need not be reminded of years ticking over. As we get older
(despite there being no guarantee of longevity) the probability is we will reach
the tipping point. The point where the odds are we have less years ahead of us
than behind us. I'm at that point based on family history. It's a sobering
thought.
Well today is my birthday. It's the day I face the ‘first of the
seconds’. It's my second birthday without my soul mate. While I've never been a
fan of birthdays, one thing I could always look forward to was being spoilt.
Coffee and pressies in bed; he always chose perfect presents. Jewellery as most
who know me well know was a particular favourite. New toys such as iPads, Cameras, or
Laptops to appease my inner nerd were embraced with gusto. Tickets to zoom away
for a much needed holiday have been on the agenda. Mystery tour weekends and
tickets to a show were often on the menu. Lunch somewhere fab by the water and I always received
flowers. Yes, I was spoilt. But to be fair I did the same for him.
Last year was tough. Facing the ‘firsts of’ is particularly hard. At
least it was for me. My birthday 2016 was the first big special day I had to
face without the love of my life. To make it worse it was only 3 months after his passing. I got through it, with the help of my family
and friends. In fact I spent a lovely few days up the coast enjoying the serenity
and peacefulness of Kendal and Port Macquarie with my nearest and dearest. But
as each special day approached I was overwhelmed by sadness and loss. Some days
were harder than others. I'm sure everyone who has to face loss understands
that.
So onto 2017 and hence my ‘firsts of the seconds’ begin. This year I am spending my birthday on my own.
I wanted it that way, just me and my cat. I discovered this morning one of my Nephews'
and his fiancée were planning a surprise visit. They encountered a mechanical
problem on route and had to turn back to Canberra. While it would’ve been
wonderful to see them and I'm so appreciative of the thought, what I need today
is quiet time. The universe works in mysterious ways at times to give us what we need.
I need time to think, to write, and a time to remember. I’ll watch the F1
from Melbourne. It is first race of the season. F1 was a shared passion. We
never missed a race despite the ungodly hour of many of the races. Mostly I'll soul search. It's part of healing.
My heart aches but I'm not overwhelmed by sadness. It's more a
recognition the threads to the past grow ever longer. Each notch along the way
is a step to acceptance and healing. Counting the milestones; is an attempt to
hang on as long as I can to the vivid memories. Time will dim the vividness. I dread
the day but it will happen.
As usual I seek solace in words be it writing or reading and I am
reminded of this wonderful Winnie the Poo quote;
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” ~
Winnie the Poo
I give thanks everyday for that.
