The Book of Me

Life has a way of steering us in the right direction if we are open to trusting our inner voice and if we have the courage to ‘just do it’.. 

I’ve been on an enormous personal journey over the last three years and nine months. It has almost been overwhelming. At other times it’s been enlightening. In the last two weeks I’ve understood how far away from my true self I’ve been for such a long time. I guess that’s a symptom of living with someone else. Over time ‘me’ becomes ‘we’ and the ‘me’ adapts to that. Often in that process we lose some of who we are as individual people. That said, I wouldn’t have changed any of my past life for anything. But for us to move on we need to find us again. That’s difficult because it’s like a rebirth. 

I think of it as being like the cicada breaking out of its shell. After 2 - 17 years (underground), cicadas emerge from the ground as nymphs. Nymphs climb the nearest tree and begin the process of shedding their nymph exoskeleton. Free of their old skin, their wings will inflate with fluid and their adult skin will harden. Once their new wings and body are ready, they can begin their adult life.They transition from one life to the next. That’s what those dealing with grief have to do. It is what I’ve been doing; transitioning. I’ve a little way to go but I’m almost there. 

Which brings me to my new home. The moment I walked in the front door I knew I was home. Even my brother commented on that. I committed to buy within 15 minutes the connection was so strong. I believe in the influence of numbers and my new house number is 10 which converts to a 1 number. The 1 home is a place to show independence. I’ve always been independent. But the rest is interesting & explains my immediate connection. 

It’s all about “#1” the 0 softens the harsher edges of 1 and 1 energy promotes innovation, individuality, ambition, drive and leadership. 

People who live in a 10 home will be encouraged to keep their independence. Living in a number 10 home also teaches them about self-confidence, about courage, determination, and most importantly falling forward. 

I like the falling forward bit...it’s an adaption from John Maxwell’s “failing forward’. The hardest step is always the first one. Fear of failing is something all of us are challenged by. But, we can’t let fear be the excuse. It’s proceeding despite it. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done but knowing where I’m going has made it feel less fearful. 

And losing someone batters your self-confidence and courage. Which has been a real challenge for me as someone who has always been confident and taken risks. When Richard died I ended up the exact opposite very quickly. It’s one of the reasons why I needed to move.

In Feng Shui a 10 home symbolises the energy of new beginnings, a freshness, an open and unobstructed flow. That’s perfect. My new home is all about openness and free flow. 

I have to drive by a memorial garden to get to my new home. I will put Richard to rest there. He can’t live in the bookcase forever. I had his ashes put into 2 urns when he died. My plan was to take one back to the UK to be with his mum & dad. But I’m not doing that now. One will go into the memorial garden. One we’re scattering off Rainbow Beach at sunset. There will be bubbles (Pol Roger his favourite) sharing the most wonderful memories and lots of laughter. I know he will always be close by keeping a watchful eye. 

Someone whose opinion I’ve learnt to value said yesterday, “The fact that it is a ‘you’ place and a whole new life spins off from there must be really energising.” It is. Now I understand why I had such an immediate connection. It will be where I become me again. It’s also such a relief to know that my little fur ball and I won’t be homeless. We’ve only a week between settling on our current home and our new one. I know Aslan will love it. 

So on October 15 when I pick up the keys, I will finally close the chapters on one book, open the door and start writing the first chapter of my new book. 

The Book of Me 

Facebook Memories

I love Facebook memories but they can confront. Particularly when they’re reminders of sad times and the loss of loved ones.  At other times I sit and shake my head and say to myself, “What on earth was that about!” This morning a photo of Richard (one of my favourites) along with this message popped up in my memories feed. 

“It’s been 15-weeks today since Richard passed away. It was close to this time in fact around 9:35am. I still can not believe that he won’t be back. But at least I have lovely pics like this to remind me of him. He was never happier than sitting in the pub on a chilly winters days in the company of friends & family.”

Do you know the lovely thing about this? I could look at that photo and read what I wrote and not burst into tears. I smiled and had a silent chuckle about that day at the Still & West in Old Portsmouth. 

In 2016 when people told me that would happen I never believed them. But it does. It’s doesn’t mean the hole left in a heart ever mends. I doesn’t. But, at some point you find a place of peace, the pain eases and you give thanks for the happy memories. For me (thankfully) there were many. That is why creating happy memories is so very, very important. 

Sanober Khan wrote in the Turquoise Silence. 

Some winters will never melt

Some summers will never freeze

And some things will only live in poems.

And for some of us some things will only live on in memories. Treasure them. 

This Is NOT OK!!!!

The Australian’s Greg Sheridan wrote a powerful piece today. They headed it “In face of racist terror, we are all Muslims today.” 

The mere reference ‘we are all Muslims today’ inflamed many. Despite it being a reference to solidarity. As a result, people ignored the key points. That is all too often the case today. 

Greg Sheridan said, “You get attention on the net by being more extreme, more emotional, more foul-mouthed, than the next fellow.” That comment is true, and it should concern all of us. The change in many people over the years has been stark. People who were engaging and polite are now some of the most abusive and foul-mouthed I’ve come across. The level of hate expressed is alarming the tribe behaviour most times out of control. I can understand how nutcases like Brenton Tarrant prosper in environments like that when I see ordinary people (mums, dads, grandparents) being turned into hate-filled abusers. 

I read Tarrant’s manifesto last night. I don’t believe he was the original author of much of the content. It appeared obvious he’d cut and pasted a lot. but, it was chilling reading. There are people out there who would be motivated to act based on what he posted just as the words of others inspired him. It’s terrifying. 

Far too often the words used to describe mass murderers becomes the key focus rather than dealing with the actions. There was a comment posted thanking Greg Sheridan for not referring to Tarrant as a right-wing extremist unlike and to quote, “our unintelligent Prime Minister did.” These same people erupt when Muslim terrorists are not named Muslim terrorist or extremists. Well they can’t have it both ways. It’s obvious Brenton Tarrant is a far-right extremist. Well done to the Prime Minister for saying that. We have to get our heads out of the sand and deal with the reality. 

Every time something like this massacre happens we say let their deaths not be in vain. Every time we say something has to be done but nothing ever changes. Why? Because it’s people who spread hate and division. The questions we never ask as a society is why people think it’s OK to behave like a pack of foul-mouth feral animals on the Internet? What impact is this behaviour having on the mental welfare of people? Why as a society are we not standing up on mass and saying this is NOT OK!!!

Animal Totems: The Spirit of the Kookaburra

When we lose someone close to us, in particular our partners, it’s only natural we look for signs. Signs that their spirit is still around and watching over us.

I’ve always believed in signs but now they have a much deeper meaning for me. I’m blessed to have received many. Red Robin’s are synonymous with signs and many speak of Robin’s in a garden as messengers from the spirit world. Alias where I live, we don’t have Robin’s but I am blessed to have many birds in my garden among them six Kookaburra’s. These are four of them; Mum, Dad and two adorable kids.

Now my garden is well established my Kookies spend most their day snacking on the many delights on offer; insects and worms. My garden offers them both a haven and an abundant feeding ground. But I also receive something in return. Perhaps the stories of old explain why.

Aboriginal legend says the kookaburra’s infamous songs of laughter each morning is a sign for the sky people to light the great fire that illuminates and warms the earth by day, the sun. King Kookaburra is a sun god of sorts and bursts with male energy. There is an opposite element assigned to the kookaburra as rain and creeks become the Kookaburras day spa they love the water.

With fire and water at the heart of the kookaburra’s spirit, this animal totem is a powerful one, bringing change and sentimental memories to the forefront of our lives. The kookaburra is a healer, a healer of the past, helping to close and open new and old doors in our lives. He is not the bringer of change but the orchestra to accompany you on your new journeys of the self.

The grief journey is the loneliness journey many of us will ever have to take. I find a level of comfort to think my beautiful little Kookies are accompanying me on my journey. I feel it’s fitting they call my garden their home. 

Christmas is a time of new beginnings...

I had a fabulous Christmas Day. When I tell you I spent the day on my own, please don’t feel sad for me because it’s what I wanted and it’s what I needed.  

I started off with Christmas Eve watching carols from Melbourne. Something Richard and I always did. I could see Richard sitting in his chair singing along to his favourite carols. He was very much a traditionalist.

Christmas morning, early coffee then pressies. Light breakfast with my favourite carols playing; carols were always a must. Favourite foods and bubbles. Lots of phones calls and messages to exchange with those dear to my heart. It was so nice.

I looked through photos. Lots of Christmas photos and a time to remember so many who are no longer with me; happy memories. Because of one I found I went on a search for an old friend who I hadn’t been in touch with for well over 25-years. The best part, I found her. Annette and I chatted for ages and it was as though those years just never existed. It made my day and we won’t lose touch ever again even better.

When I turned the light out last night, I noticed my garden light was flashing colours. And, whilst many will scoff I understood why the Ladybird appeared two days ago (that’s another story). It was a message to tell me what I was planning to do was right and to follow my heart.

Today I’m watching the Boxing Day test from Melbourne; another tradition of Richard’s and mine. That included anyone one else who was spending Christmas with us. 

When I told my family I wanted to spend Christmas on my own, I felt guilty. But, I knew it was something I needed to do. I’m so glad I did and I thank my family and friends who respected that.

We have to face our ghosts and put them to bed I’ve done that. Christmas should be a happy time but it hasn’t been a happy time for me in recent years. In fact, I became resentful of others and that isn’t me. What hit home was reading posts from people who 10-20 years after losing their husband or wives said they couldn’t celebrate Christmas. I think that is incredibly sad and I can’t live that way..

Every ending, defines a new beginning if we are prepared to accept it. Embracing challenges makes life interesting but overcoming them makes life meaningful. We cannot start the next chapter of our lives if we don’t deal with the ghosts of the last ones.

I had a wonderful day and I feel I have lifted a huge weight. I’m now looking forward to 2019.

Happy New Year

If You Come Across An Angel

Found this in a book. I think it's beautiful. When I think about this fractured but beautiful world we live in, I believe we could really do with more angels. 

If You Come Across An Angel  

Every day, in the world around us, real-life angels are doing the things they do and bringing more smiles to the world around them.

Real-life angels build bridges instead of walls. They don't have hidden agendas. They tend to be the ones who understand what you're going through. If they sense that you're hurting, they do whatever they can to help you. Real-life angels understand difficulties and always give the benefit of the doubt.

They don’t hold others up to standards they can't live by themselves. They are what “inner beauty” is all about. They don't hold things against you. They only thing they hold.. is you ..

They take your hand in theirs when you could use some guidance and direction in your life. And they support you in your attempts to do what is right.

Real-life angels multiply your smiles and add to your integrity. If you if You Come Across An Angel, you are one of the luckiest people of all. If someone in your life is like an angel to you, it's important to thank them … for the blessing.

~ Douglas Pagels

There are many angels walking this earth. They have faith that one day despite our differences we will find peace and unity. They have empathy and understanding and we become better people in their presence. I share their faith and regardless of how hard at times it is to maintain it, we must never give up hope. Because without faith and hope we really have no chance. 

The Meaning of Signs - Dragonflies

Story time. I know many people don’t believe in signs but I do. They come in all forms. On Friday, the day before the anniversary of Richard’s passing I noticed two Dragonflies. The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolises change and change in the perspective of self realisation; and the change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life. The Dragonfly navigates with both elegance and grace. 

A short time later I was astounded to see a Red Dragonfly. They are beautiful and rarely sighted so I thought it was rather unusual. Red Dragonflies bring both positive and negative messages; one about self realisation and also death. Which seems rather fitting at this time reflecting on a life lost and a life that lives on. 

Then I discovered this about Red Dragonflies. The significance of a red Dragonfly reflects our need to work lovingly on this earthly plane, to ground the higher spiritual forces within us to the earth beneath our feet and to celebrate our capacity, like a Dragonfly, to move between worlds and bring a bit of heaven to earth. We can find freedom here on this beautiful, blue star planet as we embody living the gift of this life. Death is but a mirror of a life well lived on iridescent wings.

Isn’t that beautiful?