This Is NOT OK!!!!

The Australian’s Greg Sheridan wrote a powerful piece today. They headed it “In face of racist terror, we are all Muslims today.” 

The mere reference ‘we are all Muslims today’ inflamed many. Despite it being a reference to solidarity. As a result, people ignored the key points. That is all too often the case today. 

Greg Sheridan said, “You get attention on the net by being more extreme, more emotional, more foul-mouthed, than the next fellow.” That comment is true, and it should concern all of us. The change in many people over the years has been stark. People who were engaging and polite are now some of the most abusive and foul-mouthed I’ve come across. The level of hate expressed is alarming the tribe behaviour most times out of control. I can understand how nutcases like Brenton Tarrant prosper in environments like that when I see ordinary people (mums, dads, grandparents) being turned into hate-filled abusers. 

I read Tarrant’s manifesto last night. I don’t believe he was the original author of much of the content. It appeared obvious he’d cut and pasted a lot. but, it was chilling reading. There are people out there who would be motivated to act based on what he posted just as the words of others inspired him. It’s terrifying. 

Far too often the words used to describe mass murderers becomes the key focus rather than dealing with the actions. There was a comment posted thanking Greg Sheridan for not referring to Tarrant as a right-wing extremist unlike and to quote, “our unintelligent Prime Minister did.” These same people erupt when Muslim terrorists are not named Muslim terrorist or extremists. Well they can’t have it both ways. It’s obvious Brenton Tarrant is a far-right extremist. Well done to the Prime Minister for saying that. We have to get our heads out of the sand and deal with the reality. 

Every time something like this massacre happens we say let their deaths not be in vain. Every time we say something has to be done but nothing ever changes. Why? Because it’s people who spread hate and division. The questions we never ask as a society is why people think it’s OK to behave like a pack of foul-mouth feral animals on the Internet? What impact is this behaviour having on the mental welfare of people? Why as a society are we not standing up on mass and saying this is NOT OK!!!

Animal Totems: The Spirit of the Kookaburra

When we lose someone close to us, in particular our partners, it’s only natural we look for signs. Signs that their spirit is still around and watching over us.

I’ve always believed in signs but now they have a much deeper meaning for me. I’m blessed to have received many. Red Robin’s are synonymous with signs and many speak of Robin’s in a garden as messengers from the spirit world. Alias where I live, we don’t have Robin’s but I am blessed to have many birds in my garden among them six Kookaburra’s. These are four of them; Mum, Dad and two adorable kids.

Now my garden is well established my Kookies spend most their day snacking on the many delights on offer; insects and worms. My garden offers them both a haven and an abundant feeding ground. But I also receive something in return. Perhaps the stories of old explain why.

Aboriginal legend says the kookaburra’s infamous songs of laughter each morning is a sign for the sky people to light the great fire that illuminates and warms the earth by day, the sun. King Kookaburra is a sun god of sorts and bursts with male energy. There is an opposite element assigned to the kookaburra as rain and creeks become the Kookaburras day spa they love the water.

With fire and water at the heart of the kookaburra’s spirit, this animal totem is a powerful one, bringing change and sentimental memories to the forefront of our lives. The kookaburra is a healer, a healer of the past, helping to close and open new and old doors in our lives. He is not the bringer of change but the orchestra to accompany you on your new journeys of the self.

The grief journey is the loneliness journey many of us will ever have to take. I find a level of comfort to think my beautiful little Kookies are accompanying me on my journey. I feel it’s fitting they call my garden their home. 

Christmas is a time of new beginnings...

I had a fabulous Christmas Day. When I tell you I spent the day on my own, please don’t feel sad for me because it’s what I wanted and it’s what I needed.  

I started off with Christmas Eve watching carols from Melbourne. Something Richard and I always did. I could see Richard sitting in his chair singing along to his favourite carols. He was very much a traditionalist.

Christmas morning, early coffee then pressies. Light breakfast with my favourite carols playing; carols were always a must. Favourite foods and bubbles. Lots of phones calls and messages to exchange with those dear to my heart. It was so nice.

I looked through photos. Lots of Christmas photos and a time to remember so many who are no longer with me; happy memories. Because of one I found I went on a search for an old friend who I hadn’t been in touch with for well over 25-years. The best part, I found her. Annette and I chatted for ages and it was as though those years just never existed. It made my day and we won’t lose touch ever again even better.

When I turned the light out last night, I noticed my garden light was flashing colours. And, whilst many will scoff I understood why the Ladybird appeared two days ago (that’s another story). It was a message to tell me what I was planning to do was right and to follow my heart.

Today I’m watching the Boxing Day test from Melbourne; another tradition of Richard’s and mine. That included anyone one else who was spending Christmas with us. 

When I told my family I wanted to spend Christmas on my own, I felt guilty. But, I knew it was something I needed to do. I’m so glad I did and I thank my family and friends who respected that.

We have to face our ghosts and put them to bed I’ve done that. Christmas should be a happy time but it hasn’t been a happy time for me in recent years. In fact, I became resentful of others and that isn’t me. What hit home was reading posts from people who 10-20 years after losing their husband or wives said they couldn’t celebrate Christmas. I think that is incredibly sad and I can’t live that way..

Every ending, defines a new beginning if we are prepared to accept it. Embracing challenges makes life interesting but overcoming them makes life meaningful. We cannot start the next chapter of our lives if we don’t deal with the ghosts of the last ones.

I had a wonderful day and I feel I have lifted a huge weight. I’m now looking forward to 2019.

Happy New Year

If You Come Across An Angel

Found this in a book. I think it's beautiful. When I think about this fractured but beautiful world we live in, I believe we could really do with more angels. 

If You Come Across An Angel  

Every day, in the world around us, real-life angels are doing the things they do and bringing more smiles to the world around them.

Real-life angels build bridges instead of walls. They don't have hidden agendas. They tend to be the ones who understand what you're going through. If they sense that you're hurting, they do whatever they can to help you. Real-life angels understand difficulties and always give the benefit of the doubt.

They don’t hold others up to standards they can't live by themselves. They are what “inner beauty” is all about. They don't hold things against you. They only thing they hold.. is you ..

They take your hand in theirs when you could use some guidance and direction in your life. And they support you in your attempts to do what is right.

Real-life angels multiply your smiles and add to your integrity. If you if You Come Across An Angel, you are one of the luckiest people of all. If someone in your life is like an angel to you, it's important to thank them … for the blessing.

~ Douglas Pagels

There are many angels walking this earth. They have faith that one day despite our differences we will find peace and unity. They have empathy and understanding and we become better people in their presence. I share their faith and regardless of how hard at times it is to maintain it, we must never give up hope. Because without faith and hope we really have no chance. 

The Meaning of Signs - Dragonflies

Story time. I know many people don’t believe in signs but I do. They come in all forms. On Friday, the day before the anniversary of Richard’s passing I noticed two Dragonflies. The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolises change and change in the perspective of self realisation; and the change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life. The Dragonfly navigates with both elegance and grace. 

A short time later I was astounded to see a Red Dragonfly. They are beautiful and rarely sighted so I thought it was rather unusual. Red Dragonflies bring both positive and negative messages; one about self realisation and also death. Which seems rather fitting at this time reflecting on a life lost and a life that lives on. 

Then I discovered this about Red Dragonflies. The significance of a red Dragonfly reflects our need to work lovingly on this earthly plane, to ground the higher spiritual forces within us to the earth beneath our feet and to celebrate our capacity, like a Dragonfly, to move between worlds and bring a bit of heaven to earth. We can find freedom here on this beautiful, blue star planet as we embody living the gift of this life. Death is but a mirror of a life well lived on iridescent wings.

Isn’t that beautiful?

Now It’s December, Three Years Have Passed

Well, it’s now December, the month I dread the most. One week from today, December 8, those memories from 2015 will once again haunt me. The day my life changed. No warning, no chance to say goodbye, no reason within my wildest imagination to believe it would end so suddenly. Even now, three years down the track I still find it hard to rationalise what happened, albeit I’ve accepted it. 

I will relive the fear. I will relive driving around the streets looking for him and finding nothing. I will relive phoning the police and being told someone had been taken to hospital from my suburb. They had no name; I mean who carries identification when they go off for their morning run. Which is something I do now.  I will relive the feeling I had calling the hospital and being asked to describe the love of my life and the internal panic I felt on being told to come at once, it was very serious. I declined the offer of being picked up by the police needing to be in control of me. I remember the 15 minute drive and the woman waiting for me in reception to escort me to the emergency department. I remember fighting the screaming message in my head telling me he had died. 

Once I reached the door, there was no longer any doubt; the Chaplin, police, doctors and nurses standing there waiting. So many questions and the “we are so sorry” utterances and all you want to do is let out a scream and tell everyone to go away. I found out later that Richard was dead within about 10-seconds of falling to the ground. He suffered a Hemorrhagic stroke; a massive ruptured blood vessel causing bleeding inside the brain. He was about a kilometre from home. If there was one solace, it was that he wouldn’t have suffered. But the thought of him dying alone on the street will haunt me to my dying day. It’s the last image I see every night and I suspect it always will be. 

I remember standing by the bed holding Richard’s hand and telling the Chaplin that Richard would have been mortified to have died in his running gear. He was always so particular about how he looked. I stayed with him as long as was I allowed. Walking away was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. 

It’s hard to describe the shock and the numbness that follows. Only those who have been through the same understand. That’s something I have learnt on this journey. I thought I understood how others had felt in similar circumstances, how wrong I was. 

I said at the time I’d never get over losing Richard. There was only the two of us. Everything we did we did together or for our future together. To find myself on my own after so long together was hard to come to grips with. Eight days after Richard died we should have been celebrating another wedding anniversary. Two days after that we said our final goodbyes. We had a wonderful life together and my memory box is full. It is that memory box that sustains me now. 

During the last 36-months I’ve walked many paths; from despair to hope. But in all of this I’ve learnt a lot about myself. I’ve spent my fair share of time in black tunnels and I’ve faced many demons. As someone who has always had a positive outlook to suddenly start thinking I’ve nothing to live for and perhaps I should end my life was a stark realisation of just how debilitating grief is. Thankfully I understood the drivers of this and I did something positive to correct it. For my own well-being I’ve had to make some tough decisions about people, family included and that’s meant cutting some of them out of my life. But, for once I had to put myself first and it took a death to make me realise I was merely a convenience to them. 

I’ve had my good days and my bad days. As a control freak learning to ride out the bad ones and accept they are part of the healing journey was tough. I fought against that often. Always displaying the ‘stiff upper lip’ and playing the role many expected of me; emotionally tough, in control and capable of dealing with anything. I learnt I’m not so tough and guess what? That’s not a problem. Now I let my emotions guide me understanding there is a reason why you can’t control everything. I’m now more open about my feelings and my emotions and there is a sense of relief in that. 

I would give anything to go back to December 7, 2015, the day before Richard died, but I can’t. No amount of hoping and praying will change that. So now three years on I reflect on where I was to where I am now. I think about everything I have achieved over the past three year. Sadly, I didn’t get to share this with the most important person in my life. But then I remind myself perhaps I’m wrong, and he hasn’t missed anything. I sense he is still around keeping an eye on everything. Despite what I thought immediately following Richard’s death I have found peace again. My dear little cat Aslan has been a big part of that. Animals really do help you heal. Sharing my experiences and talking openly about my journey has helped others going through similar and that brings solace; something good has come from something so bad. 

I don’t think I will ever completely get over, missing Richard. Anniversaries will always be tough times but my life goes on and I must continue to live my life because that’s what Richard would want. And as long as I breathe, I’ll keep his memory alive. I’ll never let anyone forget him. 

Life is a journey, we don't always know why things happen but we if can use our life experiences to help others and in doing so become better people ourselves that's worthwhile. So, I now embark on year four. I’ve no idea what lies ahead but whatever it is, it will be what I make of it. That gives me a sense of empowerment and freedom. The week ahead will be tough but I will make it through and in a weird way I’m looking forward to 2019. I sense it’s a year of big change.  

The Message

As I approach the third anniversary (8 December to be precise) I find myself slipping into reflective moments of what if’s and if only’s. It is with that in mind I pen this; it is so sad that so many of our loved ones never get the chance to leave us a message. I think if mine had it would have been something like this.

“If my passing has left a hole in your heart I want you to start filling it with the memories of the love we shared. When you are feeling sad and lonely as you will I want to think of those memories. They will nourish and enrich you and they will inspire to continue to go on and to create your own memories. 

Fill it with laughter as you remember those happy times when we laughed until we cried. There were many of those. 

I want you to fill it with the dreams we shared and how we felt when together we realised those dreams. And, I want you to find time in your life to create new dreams because without dreams we have nothing. 

Find space in your heart to fill it with the memories of the challenges we faced together and how we overcame those challenges. I know my leaving is a huge challenge, perhaps the biggest you will ever face. With all my heart I would never have wished for you to be facing this challenge alone. Whilst I’m not there with you, I will be walking beside you, never doubt that. You are not alone. 

My time in this life has ended, but yours hasn’t. I want you to live your life because your life plan is not yet complete. I don’t want the memories of our life together to hold you back. That would completely break my heart. Instead use those memories to inspire you to continue to live the rich and fulfilling life you deserve to live. 

Above all else remember this. I too am trying to fill a hole in my heart because I have left you. We will mend our hearts together just as we always did”

I sometimes wonder if those who leave us suddenly know deep within their subconscious mind they are leaving. I think back often to the last day and night we spent together. What a joyous time it was and indeed I did laugh so much I had to beg him to stop my sides were aching so much. We talked about such a lot on the last evening about life, our dreams and our challenges.

The next morning with no warning he was gone. But those memories of that last day in particular have helped me out of so many black holes.

I’m pleased to say the hole in my heart is getting smaller. I doubt it will ever be completely filled, but that is OK. On those dark days I do think of all we did and achieved together and that inspires me to find and enjoy happiness now. Grief is indeed a journey of self-discovery but I believe that has made me stronger.