Nature, Our Greatest Teacher

What makes me happy? Interesting question posed this week by an acquaintance. I find I get the greatest pleasure out of simple things these days. One of them is mucking around in my garden and where I was when I noticed how stunning these leaves were.

I love nature because it can show us what we don’t always recognise in ourselves if we care to take the time to look.

These leaves are dying, but their colours are so strong. I smiled because they’re not giving in without a fight; they are defiant and in being so they are more lovely than ever; turning from green to vibrant red and black. It reminded me of many people I know. People who are fighting to get their lives back together after losing their partners. And it similarly applies to many who are facing other challenges in their lives.

I was talking with a woman last week. Her husband died 18-months ago, and she’s lost, lonely and afraid. The struggle to keep going can overwhelm many people. This poor woman said she didn’t think she could keep going. But I reminded her she has survived these past 18 months, and that is an achievement. She should be proud of that. For the first time she recognised that in herself and she understood she can keep going. 

The way many people fight to survive a loss, the determination they show and their dignity is inspiring. But, we don’t see it or appreciate it in ourselves. But as with the leaf, others see it and it motivates them to keep going.

These stunning leaves will turn black, wither and die but in their place will emerge a new leaf. That could be our story of our struggles in the challenges we face to let go of the life we were familiar with, our life as a couple. Then to discover and embrace a new life, a life as just us.

I shared my leaf story with my help group. I received many acknowledgements but these two in particular meant so much.

“Thank you. I needed a reminder of what is real life not the fake. God shows us in every aspects of life how deep true beauty is in small things He had created. Thanks again.”

“You made us all look again with in ourselves.”

I thank those stunning leaves for making me think and in doing so to help others do the same.

Debasish Mridha summed it up most eloquently with this quote, "Make nature your best teacher. With great love, learn from her the lessons of life." 

An observation by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. 

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. 

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. 

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. 

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete. 

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. 

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. 

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by those moments that take our breath away.

The Cicada Shell

I am a storyteller at heart. As with all storytellers we see symbolism and stories to motivate, encourage and teach us in many things; particularly in nature. This is a story of a Cicada shell.  

I shared this story with my Hope Group this morning. In our case the symbolism applies to dealing with loss and struggling to rebuild our lives. But it can apply to many struggles people face today. To you the shell might be a rather boring and colourless Cicada shell. But I see it as a thing of beauty and this is why.

This empty Cicada shell has been clinging to a Bottlebrush Tree in my garden for two weeks. Despite what at times have been fierce winds, it is still there. It’s a graphic metaphor of what many of us experience after losing our husbands and wives. 

Our hearts and souls ripped away until all that remains of us is an empty shell. But it is more than just that, it is a symbol of a struggle to survive. The struggle the Cicada went through to break free to enable it to live again as a ‘new’ Cicada. I realized the shell is a reminder that despite their struggle, the Cicada lived. They have changed, but they are free to live again just as we will survive and continue to live after the death of our partners. We will be different, possibly even better people, but we are still us. 

Yes, the shell is dull and brown but if you look closly you will also see the shimmer of gold. And yes it is empty, but it wears the scars of struggle and it tells a much bigger story, a better story, a story of life and of hope.

I've Found Another Key

Every day, I hear stories told by women and men just like me who are trying to come to terms with losing their partners. I’m thankful I am in a better place than many not to say it’s any easier. But I continue to look for ways to bring normality back into my life and I search for things to inspire and motivate me. I'm pleased to say life is returning to a level of normal but I have to keep working on keeping it there.

Many years ago a wise soul said, “For every adversity there is the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.” It took a while to grasp what he meant but I’ve accepted what he said is true; it’s never failed me even in my darkest hours. I am also a subscriber to the theory we are what we think and how essential developing a positive outlook can be. It is essential not only for our happiness but also our general wellbeing.

So what a surprise it was to find myself morphing into the morass of self-pity following the death of my husband. I’ve never been a self-absorbed person and I've never thought the world revolved around me the self-pitying me shocked me to the core. We learn to become very good actors and the face I presented to the world was positive if somewhat subdued but behind closed doors the story was very different. The problem is when you are in a dark place finding the way out appears insurmountable.

I have always been emotionally strong but even the strongest experience feelings of weakness and helplessness at times. One of the problems with being strong is people just expect you to "get on with it'. In the first few weeks I received generous support but most of us soon discover it does not last long. Then we are left on our own with too much time to dwell on us. With that comes feelings of abandonment and it’s only natural we turn inwards and self-pity is the result. None of us likes admitting to that and whilst we can often fool others we can rarely fool ourselves.

My world literally crumbled when my husband died; in fact it was blown into a million fragments. We never had children and our world was each other. I convinced myself I would never get over his death and with that the spiral down started. Without going into details I had reached a low ebb.  Thankfully I recognised before it was too late I needed to do something and quickly. When we reach the depths of despair, there are only two options; keep sinking further into the mire or find a way out. Looking for a positive path was the only real choice for me, the question then became how? Then I found this gem;

"While we are mourning the loss of our spouses, others are rejoicing in welcoming them behind the veil.” At last something made sense and another key to changing was right there; the realisation the story is not just about me.

I loved my husband; he was my soul mate, best friend, mentor, protector and so much more. But, I wasn’t the only one who loved him and yes, my love was the love of a wife but no way does it lessen the depth of love others had for him. We share the lives of those we love with many people and as partners we were neither their first love nor the first ones to love them back.

Richard was an only child and his Mother adored him and he idolised her. Richard had just turned 18 when his mother died and coincidently both died in the street in December. Richard missed his Mother and this loss was more acute in later life. Richard’s Dad was so proud of his son and whilst he told many of us how much he loved his son he never told Richard. Such a shame because regardless of how many times we told Richard what his Dad said, he never heard his Dad say it and it makes all the difference.  There is a lesson in that, never give up the chance to tell someone you love them it might be the last chance you get. Richard also had a step-mother who thought the world of him. All three are dead. When I thought about it I could imagine how happy they all must have been welcoming Richard to his new life; rejoicing with him behind the veil.

Yes, I have been left behind as my time in this life has not as yet been completed. It goes without saying I would much prefer Richard hadn't died. We had so much more to do with our lives. But, how can I deny him the joy of seeing those he loved again? Or, deny a mother who missed out on so much of her son’s life on earth; or a father who I pray has finally told his son how much he loves him. And who could forget his wonderfully crazy step-mother whom we both loved dearly. I loved all of them and I find such comfort in thinking about how happy they must be to be together again.

I'm not a deeply religious person but I do have very strong spiritual beliefs one of those is my belief in our soul life. The thought of us all meeting up in the next life is perfectly normal.

Very early on I declared I would never be the same and I would never recover from Richard's death. I was wrong, why? Because death doesn't fundamentally change who we are, our old selves, the person our spouses loved is still buried within. How we view life, how we relate to others and, how we live our lives after a death may well be different, but that is not unusual with a normal life. We change all the time but we are still us.

We are capable of being whatever we choose to be; happy or sad. I think most people prefer to be happy I know that's my choice. The key is to find a way to bring that old self to the fore again and thinking differently about death and our loss in particular, is one of the keys. When I thought about that insightful quote I understood that loving someone enough to find joy in releasing them back into the care of those who loved them would also release me.

Coping with death is like living in a dark house with many doors. The challenge is to keep looking for the keys to unlock the doors to lead us into the light again. With this I have found another key.

Return To The Wholeness Of Ourselves

I found that message today. It spoke to me. I love the idea of returning to the wholeness of yourself. It was a timely message as messages so often are. 

I have always believed paths cross for a reason. When Richard’s and my path crossed, it was our destiny. I knew it from the first moment I saw him. I was truly blessed he felt the same. We walked our path together as two souls merging as one. The memory of that is engraved on my heart forever. 

But as with crossings there is also a reason why paths divide. I don’t fully understand why after so many years walking the path together Richard left so unexpectedly. Something many of us who were faced with a sudden death struggle with; why? But I understand the importance of embracing my wholeness and I know when the time is right our paths will merge again in our next life. 

The message was a reminder to stay on the path I have now chosen. There is a reason for it and it will be become clearer as I rediscover me. 

2018 ~ A Celebration of Life

Now I am entering my third year on my own I’ve had the benefit of time to reflect on what next. I should preface this in saying these are my thoughts. The decisions I make I make in my best interests. Each must chose their own path.

When my husband died, I was devastated.  It matters little if we know someone’s life will be cut short or not; we are never prepared. We are definitely not prepared for sudden death as in my case. The death of a spouse is the worst thing many of us will ever have to deal with in our lifetime. We face a whole gambit of emotions packed into the shortest of timeframes; the lost, the loneliness, the anger, the shock the denial and, the numbness. The list is endless. I thought I’d never recover but time brings new insights. Whilst time doesn’t heal it brings with it acceptance that I can’t change what happened no matter how hard I wish.

When we lose a spouse, it’s all too easy to give up on life. To just sit and wait for our time to come. But is it the right thing for me? I know it isn’t. These are my reasons;

Life, is a gift. Whilst the time I shared with Richard was the most important time of my life. My life is about more than just him and me.

My parents gave me the gift of life. They loved me and cared about me until I was old enough to make my way in the world. But their loving and caring didn’t stop at that point. They always wanted the best for me. Sadly, both of my parents have gone but their faith in me and caring has not stopped. They wouldn’t want me to give up now. They invested too much of themselves in me. If they were still here, it would break their hearts to see me stop living. Whenever I faced a tough patch in life my dad would say, you are not a quitter Kate. When you hit a brick wall find a way around it or over it but don’t let it beat you. He was right I’m not a quitter.

My second life started the day I met Richard. From the first moment I laid eyes on him I knew I would marry him. We were married about a year after we first met at work. Some described our marriage as a fairy-tale. It wasn’t. We made a life vow and we honoured those vows. The challenges we faced in life strengthened us as individuals and as a couple. It taught us we could survive anything. We shared a wonderful life. I loved him more than life. I would have killed anyone who hurt him. Woe betides anyone who hurt me. No one was immune including my dad who criticised me in front of Richard one day. He never did it again. Thankfully dad laughed about it later when he commented how devoted and protective Richard was of me.

Richard was my rock. He cared about me, and only ever wanted the best for me as I did for him. So I asked myself what would he want for me now? He would want me to be contented with my life. True and ever-lasting happiness might take more effort. But, there are still many things to be happy about albeit I’m not over the moon in not having Richard here to share things with. I believe Richard would be shattered if he thought I was not coping and my life was full of sadness. It would be exactly the same if things were reversed. I would be shattered.

I was happy before I met Richard. I was blessed to have him and to have the wonderful memories we created together. I owe it to him to be happy again. I consider this a celebration of his life and, our life, together. Because the person I’ve become results from the wonderful experiences I’ve enjoyed in life.

I can honestly say I am contented with my life now. I’m blessed to enjoy the freedom to choose how I live and, who I share my life with. I choose happiness. I’m doing this not only for Richard but for all those who loved me and, those who still do. And, I’m doing it for me. I’m looking forward to 2018. Change keeps popping up everywhere and, it will be a year of change for me. Hopefully change for the better but it means I have to put the effort in. I’m sensible enough to know there will be days when I hit the wall. It’s often Mother Nature’s way of keeping us grounded. The key is to keep focusing on the miracles. Thich Nhat Hanh wrote so beautifully about the miracles of life. These words really resonated with me.

“When we are mindful, deeply in touch with the present moment, our understanding of what is going on deepens, and we begin to be filled with acceptance, joy, peace and love…Around us, life bursts with miracles–a glass of water, a ray of sunshine, a leaf, a caterpillar, a flower, laughter, raindrops. If you live in awareness, it is easy to see miracles everywhere. Each human being is a multiplicity of miracles. Eyes that see thousands of colors, shapes, and forms; ears that hear a bee flying or a thunderclap; a brain that ponders a speck of dust as easily as the entire cosmos; a heart that beats in rhythm with the heartbeat of all beings. When we are tired and feel discouraged by life’s daily struggles, we may not notice these miracles, but they are always there.”

God bless. I wish you all the best for the New Year. And, I pray those who are struggling with life, find peace in 2018 as they discover the true miracles of life.

~HAPPY NEW YEAR~

Yes, We are Warriors

It was 2 years last Friday, December 8th since my world came crashing down. This coming Saturday December 16th would have been our wedding anniversary.

December isn't a good month in so many ways for me. I not only lost my husband both his parents passed away in December. All three went suddenly. There is comfort in that at least.

Just thinking, I've no idea why we say we've lost someone, it always sounds like we've miss placed them. But I digress.

We talk a lot about being warriors. There are certainly times when what we go through and survive doesn't feel very warrior like. But I guess fighting on is exactly what being a warrior means.

None of us would willingly set out to join the sisterhood or brotherhood of widower or widowhood. But the one thing we do discover is, we are not alone in this battle to forge a new life as a 'me' instead of a 'we'. Yes, we are warriors fighting the biggest battle of many of our lives. We will win.