If Heaven Had Postmen

It’s 23 months today since Richard died. I’ve been giving a lot of thought to our life together and my new life alone. I wondered if heaven had postmen and Richard could write to me what he would say about his very unexpected departure. I think it would go some thing like this. 

Yes, Richard did say that to my brother about three weeks before he died. I often wonder if in our sub-conscious we know when our time is approaching. If Richard did know perhaps he was preparing us for what was to come. 

Learning To Let Go

Losing a loved one suddenly is like being thrown into the deep end without water wings. Now I’m over the shock, denial and anger it has forced me to take time to think about how I deal with learning to release and to address how I live my life alone.

I recalled a conversation I had with a deeply spiritual friend many years ago on the passing of my sister. She said your sister can’t settle Kate she’s stuck in limbo because you can’t let her go. I was surprised but, I had felt a huge cloud hanging over me and I didn’t know why.

Shortly after our conversation I was on holiday in the UK. I visited my spiritual home of Glastonbury. My husband and I had walked up Glastonbury Tor at dawn. It’s a place which holds special meaning for me. Inside the Tor was what looked liked a beggar. We talked to this man for about 20 minutes. He wasn’t a beggar he was in fact a wise man. He said to us you have recently lost someone dear to you and you know what you need to do. It’s a conversation I will never forget. Richard and I sat down on the grass and both whispered it’s time to go Di. Shortly after two white birds circled above our heads and I knew it was my mother and my sister. The cloud lifted and we were overcome by a feeling of peace.  As I work my way through my current challenge I thought about this experience and how it applied to now.

When years of plans, dreams and hopes are shattered in a split second it isn’t something we get over quickly. It’s only natural for us to want to hang onto what was. But, as I approached the second anniversary of my husband’s passing I wondered if I was being selfish in trying to hold on. If my hanging on was stopping him from moving on himself.

I believe there is more to our existence than life on this earth. Despite sharing a wonderful and fulfilling life together, it is natural for me to accept my husband has gone to a better place. It is a place where he is free from the tribulations of life on earth. I’ve accepted his time had come. Now I need to face the reality of a ‘new time’ myself. For the first time I understood if I truly loved him I needed to let him go. I told him I was OK and it was OK for him to move on.  I felt freedom and happiness returning.

My husband and I stood by each other through thick and thin. He never deserted me in a time of need, or I him. So he would not settle until he was 100% sure I was OK. I sense he is now settled and is enjoying watching me grow again. I talk to him every day and I know his spirit is around me encouraging me to get on with life. He gives me a gentle nudge when I need it. I hear him chuckle when I do stupid things likewise he cheers me on when I succeed.

I will always miss his physical presence; his lovely face, his smile and his laughter. I miss having him here to share things with and to give me a hug when I need one.  But because I love him and I want him to be happy in his new life, I needed to set his spirit free. In doing so I believe our spiritual sides are now connected on a different level. My spirit just hasn’t made the final journey yet. I don’t know when it will. In the meantime I’m using what time I have left to be the best I can at whatever I do. I will always be grateful for the years Richard and I had together. I am also grateful for the life I still have.

This lovely message says it all..

A Message From Heaven

I have not left you.

I am simply enjoying the next stage of

my life so please, do not cry.

Rejoice in the fact that I am happy.

Remember that I will always love you

and smile because one day we shall

meet again.

Look For The Lessons In Life

I was watching a TV program yesterday. It’s a UK program called 60-minute make-over. The recipient of the house makeover (3 rooms) was a mother who had suffered from Multiple Sclerosis for 30 years. Her two adult sons and her daughter-in-law had organised for the makeover. This poor woman was wheelchair bound to the point of also having lost the use of her arms. She was totally dependent on her carers and her family for everything. Despite that, she was happy. 

I thought a lot about her last night. It’s so easy to become absorbed in ourselves and all the things we've lost. Particularly following the death of a partner. In my case I’ve lost both my parents, my sister and the most important of all my husband. Apart from my Dad, the rest have been taken far too young. But, I still have my health. I own a lovely home and along with my crazy cat I’m fortunate in having the freedom to live the life I choose. I’m not a prisoner in my body as the poor woman in the TV program is. She has lost her health, her freedom and I suspect some of her dignity. There is not a lot of dignity in relying on other people to feed, bath and toilet you, despite how caring people are. But even so she makes the best of life in the harshest of circumstances. It would be so easy to be bitter. It reminded me I have so much more by comparison.

I am a positive person but from time to time I plunge into the ‘pity party’ mode. That said, it always fascinates me how lesson’s pop up at the right time to stop and make me think. That program was one of those lessons. The lesson is: There is always someone much worse off than me, so I should be thankful for what I have and had, and make the best of my life. It is a good lesson. One I needed to be reminded of. 

Be Kind To Ourselves

I often hear people in similar situations me say how hopeless and worthless they feel after losing their  partners. I understand that, because I experienced similar myself. But on reflection I think it's because we are so consumed by loss and the grief that accompanies that, that we lose sight of ourselves.  The feelings of abandonment takes over hence, worthlessness consumes many. Loving ourselves is important in helping us to get through these difficult times. 

Not Everyone Believes In Religion, but.....

Not everyone believes in religion or God. That’s fair enough. But I wish people who don’t, would stop attacking and belittling those who do.

Since the death of my husband just over 20 months ago I’ve thought a lot about religion and belief. I was raised a Catholic but as a child I struggled with their doctrine. I asked a lot of questions. Not always appreciated I might add. I drifted away from that faith when I was free to make my decisions. But, I do believe in a ‘here-after’. I’ve experienced too many things in my life to think when we pop off that’s it. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong but it’s what I believe. Whether I’ll see my husband in the ‘next life’ I don’t know. I’d like to think I will. But I don’t rely on that happening to get me through the day to day. Or to help me build a new life. But not everyone is like me.

I’ve learnt a lot about grief over the past 20 month. Particularly the grief that comes with losing a partner. I’ve also learnt a lot from networking with others in the same position as me. For some I’ve met, their belief in God is the only thing keeping them going. The belief that when their turn comes, they will be reunited with their husband sustains them. I feel deeply for these people, because I know first hand what a struggle it can be at times. But most important is this. Without their faith, they would be completely lost.

When we engage with people (particularly on social media), we don’t always know the challenges they are facing. Or, the struggles they are dealing with daily. So before you are tempted to attack someone based on their religious belief, please pause for a moment. Because you don't know if belief and hope is all the person you are attacking has and to take that away from them leaves them with nothing.

The Sound of Silence

🌺🌿🌺There is a difference between friendlessness and the loneliness and deep silence that comes with losing your life partner 

I was reminded of this in the early hours of the morning when engaging with a group of people who like me have lost their husbands.  Sharing with people, all be they strangers who are in the same situation helps. None of us are friendless. But the deep loneliness, is a very different emotion. It's the silence that's the hardest. 

And it doesn’t matter if you’re standing in the middle of a crowded room, you will still notice it.  It’s the quiet that comes when you don’t have that familiar voice whispering in your ear, “Can you believe she wore that? I mean, what was she thinking?”  It’s the missing sound of two glasses clinking together on your anniversary. It's the absence of someone surprising you on your birthday. It’s the loss of the familiar sound of someone breathing soundly next to you as you go to sleep at night. 

I don’t think that most people who haven’t experienced the loss of partner truly understand that element of solitude. I know I didn't. Whilst friends and my brother in particular are wonderful, they simply can't fill the void.

For the first time I truly understand this. 

The Tree

If you read this please don't feel sad. I believe we are all connected on this earth; humans and nature. I also believe we learn a lot about ourselves from nature. I have always loved trees and I find them a source of great inspiration. I am grateful that at this point in my life I have the time to reflect on what is around me and to take comfort from that. This is a story of hope and awakening. 

She stared at the tree, standing tall in the morning sun. Defiant as the onset of winter rips away its last vestige of self. Exposing the rawness of its inner soul; naked, unprotected.

As she reflected upon the tree, she realised it was a metaphor of her life. Just how grief rips away the shield and exposes our vulnerabilities and our rawness. We too are naked and unprotected as day by day pieces of what we once were are being torn away. 

A tear rolled down her cheeks, and as if to say I understand three crimson leaves fluttered to the ground. 

Then, an almost inaudible voice whispered please do not despair. For as with the mighty tree slowly a new self will emerge. Whenever you doubt, the tree, will be there to remind you that arising from grief is like shedding your leaves. But after that you too will be reborn it just takes time. 

As she gazed at the tree, she saw a new beauty in its rawness and she realised that to expose your vulnerabilities isn't ugly or weak as she had been telling herself. It's liberating and it's honest.

With that, she pictured the majestic tree standing tall, adorned with the fresh new leaves of spring. It was in that moment she realised the tree and she are on a journey together; she whispered a quiet thank you as three more leaves knowingly drifted to the ground.