Why We Talk About Them

Somebody asked to me, “Why do you still talk about Richard so much?” To be frank, I was taken aback by the question. So let me explain why I and many others still talk about those we have loved and lost. 

I talk about him because I spent over 50% of my life with him. It’s only been a little over two years since he died. 

I talk about him because he was and still is a big part of my life. 

I talk about him because what I am today has so much to do with him and our life together. 

I talk about him because I made a vow to him and I loved him; death does not change that. 

I talk about him because it keeps him alive in the minds of others. 

I talk about because memories are important and they make me feel happy and connected. 

I talk about him because I don’t want others to forget him and some people have. He would never have forgotten them. 

I talk about him and what we shared in the hope some others will start to appreciate what they have before it’s too late. 

I talk about him because I miss him and I need to, to try and keep my life real and to keep perspective. 

I talk about him because I still share his name and I always will. 

I know I am not the only person to have been asked the same question. And I probably will not be the last. Many in the past have shared their reasons why they still talked about their husbands and wives. I’m sharing mine in the hope those who read this will think before they ask anyone else the question. And, when your friends and relatives talk about those they have lost you will let them. 

I know in my case I don’t do it because I can’t move on, I’m well down that path. I’ve reached a point where I am happy and contented in my life. I’m thankful I got to share such a big part of my life with Richard. I’m doing my best to live my life as he would wish.  And, I know he is still around albeit I can’t see him. I want him to know I will never forget him. I hope others will respect that. 

“There is nothing sadder than to know the memory of someone we have cherished has been forgotten and never be spoken of again.” 

The Importance of Positive Thinking

When we find ourselves in those dark places we frequent in grief, it’s sometimes hard to see a way forward. But for our own wellbeing we need to find something that helps us dig our way out. Cultivating a more positive outlook on life is vital why this quote from Gandhi makes so much sense.  

Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. 

Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviour. 

Keep your behaviour positive because your behaviour becomes your habits. 

Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. 

Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.

But that’s easier said than done when everything looks black. So, here are several suggestions to help get started. 

1. Make a list of every positive thing you can think of in your life. Even if it’s just one, it’s a start. You can add to the list later if needed. 

1. Write your loved one a daily letter. Tell them what your day has been like and what you have done. You will be pleasantly surprised what you actually do achieve. Reading back over these letters in months to come gives you a wonderful insight into your progress. 

1. Identify what is the worse thing that can happen to you now? Once you’ve identified it figure out three solutions to fix it. Being prepared makes difficult things easier to manage. 

1. Start a list of the things you have achieved in life. This can be things you have achieved yourself and what you achieved with your partner. It often surprises just what we have done and what we continue to achieve in our lives. 

1. Find a new hobby. It doesn’t have to be grand just something to focus your attention. 

Once we develop the habit of focusing on the positive things in life, it’s surprising how our life looks more bearable. As we continue to practice positive thought we start to enjoy life again. 

Nature, Our Greatest Teacher

What makes me happy? Interesting question posed this week by an acquaintance. I find I get the greatest pleasure out of simple things these days. One of them is mucking around in my garden and where I was when I noticed how stunning these leaves were.

I love nature because it can show us what we don’t always recognise in ourselves if we care to take the time to look.

These leaves are dying, but their colours are so strong. I smiled because they’re not giving in without a fight; they are defiant and in being so they are more lovely than ever; turning from green to vibrant red and black. It reminded me of many people I know. People who are fighting to get their lives back together after losing their partners. And it similarly applies to many who are facing other challenges in their lives.

I was talking with a woman last week. Her husband died 18-months ago, and she’s lost, lonely and afraid. The struggle to keep going can overwhelm many people. This poor woman said she didn’t think she could keep going. But I reminded her she has survived these past 18 months, and that is an achievement. She should be proud of that. For the first time she recognised that in herself and she understood she can keep going. 

The way many people fight to survive a loss, the determination they show and their dignity is inspiring. But, we don’t see it or appreciate it in ourselves. But as with the leaf, others see it and it motivates them to keep going.

These stunning leaves will turn black, wither and die but in their place will emerge a new leaf. That could be our story of our struggles in the challenges we face to let go of the life we were familiar with, our life as a couple. Then to discover and embrace a new life, a life as just us.

I shared my leaf story with my help group. I received many acknowledgements but these two in particular meant so much.

“Thank you. I needed a reminder of what is real life not the fake. God shows us in every aspects of life how deep true beauty is in small things He had created. Thanks again.”

“You made us all look again with in ourselves.”

I thank those stunning leaves for making me think and in doing so to help others do the same.

Debasish Mridha summed it up most eloquently with this quote, "Make nature your best teacher. With great love, learn from her the lessons of life."