The separation of time

I’ve never been one who was that enthusiastic about celebrating my milestone events like wedding anniversaries or birthdays. Albeit I love recognising and celebrating other people’s milestone events. Whilst I was fortunate to have a wonderful marriage, Richard and I usually forgot our anniversary. We even forgot our first. Much to the dismay of my mother-in-law, Richard’s step-mother Lillian. But Richard loved birthdays, and I enjoyed organising special celebrations for him. Whilst I wasn’t that excited about mine, it made him happy to do something special for me, and he had excellent taste, which meant beautiful gifts which were always gratefully received.

Since Richard died, those dates and others take on a new meaning. They are no longer days to forget or ignore. They are a reminder of another event that he missed. My birthday this week is the first of the year 10 events. His absence is painfully highlighted by each of those special days. And in heading towards the 10-years this coming December since he passed is hard. It seems such a longtime ago, but in so many ways it feels like yesterday. And it's hard to explain, but to me 10-years feels like such a significant milestone.  

I have said many times that we get on with life because we have no choice. Tomorrow, things will be back to normal as life goes on until I hit the next milestone event, being Richard’s birthday in October. Forever there will always be those events that continue to remind me of what I’ve lost. 

And the separation of time is challenging because it represents another step away from the life I had and the future we planned. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a good life now, it’s just not the one I wanted.

When We Learn To Be The Willow

There comes a time for all of us when we come face-to-face with unbelievable hardships in life. The death of our life partner is the most profound. Sadly, an inevitability of being human. And facing this hardship and dealing with it is something that life’s wisdom gets around to teaching us. It is a very hard lesson to learn but, “bouncing back” is a central part of the human condition.

How we face grief and cope with it is different for all of us, albeit the emotional roller coaster is the same. It takes time to accept the reality of a new life, and fighting grief makes it harder. Something dare I say I learnt the hard way. Not uncommon for those of us who are skilled at dealing with crisis. We are experts at shifting into must do mode and we file the overwhelming emotional side away. At some point that comes back, and we are forced to deal with it. It is at that point we “hit the wall”.

So like the Willow, when we learn to bend with the winds of adversity (grief) that’s the time we learn how to grow again in times of profound change.

The Importance of Storytelling

When we have the courage to share our stories, it enables others to understand that they are not alone, that many of us are going through the same things. That, in turns helps others to find the courage to share their own journey. When you are struggling, just feeling safe in sharing those experiences is vital. 

When we rebuild our lives and we share that, that inspires others to try something different. Knowing we are helping others gives meaning back to us. Thus, the ripple effect begins. Never underestimate how powerful that is. 

It Will Never Just Be Another Day

 The dilemma of explaining it’s not just another day. Even after nearly seven years, I still (inwardly) struggle with this. In a week’s time, October 2 is my husband’s birthday. Two months after on December 8 will be the anniversary of his death, the 7th since his passing. In a discussion with my brother yesterday, he said, “But it’s really just another day, isn’t it?” That felt like stab through my heart.

He didn’t say it to be unkind because he loved my husband and misses him. He also loves me. He was trying (in a clumsy way) to be helpful. But as we know, those who have not been through the loss of the person they shared every aspect of their life with can ever understand that it is not just another day. It’s the day we relive every minute of the last birthday or the last day of their life. It’s the day that we think about everything that has been taken from us. It’s the day that we have to accept all over again that they’re never coming back. No it is not just another day.

I went on to explain that for 363 days of the year I get on with living life but on those two anniversary days I’m back to where I started. Time does not change that. It will never just be another day for me.

The Victim Shield

Life can be hard and conflicting. Whilst some are rejoicing in a new life, others are dealing with death. Or trying to come to terms with what is ahead. It is in moments like this that we ask so many questions.

 Why are they so happy and I’m at the depths of despair?

 

Why did they take my husband?

 

Why am I the one left to cope with this?

 

I wasn’t prepared for this. Why me?

 

How can I face life on my own? I’m not ready!

 

There are so many whys. We simply don’t know what the answers are and so we do our best to figure out how to deal with it. We often have to battle resentment toward those who appear to have everything. We doubt ourselves. Worst of all, it is so very easy to take on the mantle of victim. Why me? Why am I left here? Why do I have to suffer the pain of loss? If we aren’t careful and without being aware of it, why and I become our Victim Shield. When we are in that space, it’s very hard to be positive about anything.

 

I’ve been in a bit of dark space these last few days. Not because of my loss, I’ve learnt to deal with that and have a good life now. It is a loss that is to come, that of a much loved nephew who is entering the final stages of terminal cancer. I’ve asked the why question many times. Why him, why them? He still has half his life ahead of him. I also know what his equally loved wife is facing. Thinking about this has surfaced the dark days of dealing with my husband’s death, albeit his was very sudden. When I find myself in places like this, I find solace on my beach.

 

I live on the east coast of Australia. We are currently witnessing the aftermath of the underwater volcano eruption off Tonga along our shores. When I was watching the surf yesterday, I was reminded the reality is life is full of ebbs and flows just like the oceans. And when things happen, particularly when we aren’t prepared for them, it’s so easy to put up the Victim Shield. That is exactly what I had been doing since hearing the news from my nephew. The endless why me? Why our family again? Haven’t we lost enough already? How am I going to cope with another loss? Me, me, me! 

 

But the ocean will settle again just as we all will despite what we believe. Why? Because everything in life is temporary. Nothing is permanent. Life itself is temporary, and why should we be spared from loss when others aren’t? The pain and fear I was experiencing these last few days will be temporary.

 

Whilst sometimes in life, things happen that seem unfair, inexplicable or challenging. If we can find the courage to open our hearts and minds and acknowledge we’re being guided to our destiny and that certain experiences are necessary for our growth, then there is the glimmer of hope that we will emerge stronger and better equipped to help others. That’s what life is really all about, helping each other. That helps us find our purpose and meaning in death. 

 

 

Before you turn the light out tonight…

I wrote this for people on a Facebook Community I’m a part of for people who have lost their husbands or wives. However, it applies to anyone dealing with death or loss of any kind. Even those of us who are finding just surviving day in, day out is a struggle. 

The Power of Yet

Losing our life partner, for most of us, is the hardest thing we have ever had (or will ever have) to deal with. And it is for the rest of our life that we have to. It is not one of those things that we just “get-over” or cure. It can be utterly debilitating and it can so easy to just give up. 

However, I’m a believer that we can and need to keep going. It’s not easy by any stretch but those who loved us (and still do) would want us to at least try. That is where the Power of Yet can play a very important role. 

If we just pick one thing we can’t do and change how we deal with that, it can and will make a difference. Once we have fixed one, move onto the next thing. Just work through the list one at a time and as we tick each one off, our lives will change. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, we simply work at our own pace. 

Life may never be as happy or filled with love that it once was, but we can find peace and contentment. That is so much better than where many of us were and, sadly, many still are. So each time we hit a wall and can not do something rather than say I can not do this, add YET. ♥️♥️♥️

I posted this on a community page I share for people who have lost their husbands or wives. But this principle can apply to any challenge in life not just dealing with grief. Changing how we approach obstacles can make all the difference.