Yes, We are Warriors

It was 2 years last Friday, December 8th since my world came crashing down. This coming Saturday December 16th would have been our wedding anniversary.

December isn't a good month in so many ways for me. I not only lost my husband both his parents passed away in December. All three went suddenly. There is comfort in that at least.

Just thinking, I've no idea why we say we've lost someone, it always sounds like we've miss placed them. But I digress.

We talk a lot about being warriors. There are certainly times when what we go through and survive doesn't feel very warrior like. But I guess fighting on is exactly what being a warrior means.

None of us would willingly set out to join the sisterhood or brotherhood of widower or widowhood. But the one thing we do discover is, we are not alone in this battle to forge a new life as a 'me' instead of a 'we'. Yes, we are warriors fighting the biggest battle of many of our lives. We will win.

A week in black and white

I was recently challenged on Facebook to post for seven days a black and white photo about my life. The rules were; no people and no explanation. I accepted of course. It was fun, but it was also enlightening.

So often when we are dealing with the loss of a partner we dwell on what has changed in our lives. Our major focus can easily become consumed by negative side of loss or grief. Certainly a lot has changed. But, equally a lot hasn't. So for me, publishing a photo about my life for seven days sheeted home to me that life goes on. The routine of living is still the same. And, perhaps looking at life through a black and white still highlights that. I have added one more to my list of black and white photos.

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Focus on living

Take time to enjoy the simple things, even if it is just sitting in the garden with a good book and a mug of coffee. Life is still worth living, despite what we have lost. It is the simple things that will start to bring colour back into our lives.

The Tears of Healing

I am having one of those sit in the corner and cry my eyes out days. They creep up on me every so often. I can only put on a brave face for so long regardless of how positive I try to be. Things happen that trigger emotional responses, I had one of those last night. It's usually because of something someone has done or said. What follows a trigger moment is lack of sleep because I spend endless hours mulling things over. Because I am more emotional now than at any point my life I find tiredness increases my vulnerability. But such is the journey I am on. 

My melancholy mood wasn’t helped by a question that was asked on my woman’s forum this morning. A beautiful picture was posted and, we were asked to share what it meant to us. Some of the replies were so sad but so beautiful they set me off again. But, that inspired me to summarise what many within the group shared. 

We were some of the lucky ones who found our soulmates. That is a two-edged sword. On one hand, we were blessed to enjoy a life with someone so special. However, the sharp edge is the excruciating pain of losing them. From time to time that is so unbearable you struggle to breathe. I know I do. Time itself does not change that. 

On the positive side most of us are getting on with life and trying to make the best of it. To a large degree we are succeeding. However, when you have spent more than half of your life with someone you love more than life itself you don’t just ‘get over it’.  In forging our new life we often push into the background deep seated feelings of isolation, abandonment, loneliness, loss, and hurt. Not just because of feeling abandoned by those we loved. We often feel abandoned by others.  Triggers unlock the door and force us to deal with all this emotion.  So I make no apology for owning up to my cry days. They are vital in helping me heal. Cry days are part of who I am now. Whilst there are less of them than there were I suspect they’ll always be there. 

People have told me I have the ability to express what others think but have difficultly saying. So I’m saying this for all those who can’t. Let’s love who we are our vulnerabilities and all. If others don’t understand who are anymore they don’t deserve to be part of our family or our friends. Perhaps they never did and it has taken grief to show us that. If we walk away from them we need not apologise.  Our partners would defend us to the hilt when they were with us. They will give us the courage to walk away now rather than suffer more hurt at the hands of someone else.

Always remember crying isn't a sign we are going downhill. Becoming upset is actually a sign we are going up hill. It's a steep hill, but we will make it. Some say tears are liquid love.  I believe more importantly they are great release valves and they often give us the courage to move on.  

It's Important to be Kind to Ourselves

If Heaven Had Postmen

It’s 23 months today since Richard died. I’ve been giving a lot of thought to our life together and my new life alone. I wondered if heaven had postmen and Richard could write to me what he would say about his very unexpected departure. I think it would go some thing like this. 

Yes, Richard did say that to my brother about three weeks before he died. I often wonder if in our sub-conscious we know when our time is approaching. If Richard did know perhaps he was preparing us for what was to come. 

Learning To Let Go

Losing a loved one suddenly is like being thrown into the deep end without water wings. Now I’m over the shock, denial and anger it has forced me to take time to think about how I deal with learning to release and to address how I live my life alone.

I recalled a conversation I had with a deeply spiritual friend many years ago on the passing of my sister. She said your sister can’t settle Kate she’s stuck in limbo because you can’t let her go. I was surprised but, I had felt a huge cloud hanging over me and I didn’t know why.

Shortly after our conversation I was on holiday in the UK. I visited my spiritual home of Glastonbury. My husband and I had walked up Glastonbury Tor at dawn. It’s a place which holds special meaning for me. Inside the Tor was what looked liked a beggar. We talked to this man for about 20 minutes. He wasn’t a beggar he was in fact a wise man. He said to us you have recently lost someone dear to you and you know what you need to do. It’s a conversation I will never forget. Richard and I sat down on the grass and both whispered it’s time to go Di. Shortly after two white birds circled above our heads and I knew it was my mother and my sister. The cloud lifted and we were overcome by a feeling of peace.  As I work my way through my current challenge I thought about this experience and how it applied to now.

When years of plans, dreams and hopes are shattered in a split second it isn’t something we get over quickly. It’s only natural for us to want to hang onto what was. But, as I approached the second anniversary of my husband’s passing I wondered if I was being selfish in trying to hold on. If my hanging on was stopping him from moving on himself.

I believe there is more to our existence than life on this earth. Despite sharing a wonderful and fulfilling life together, it is natural for me to accept my husband has gone to a better place. It is a place where he is free from the tribulations of life on earth. I’ve accepted his time had come. Now I need to face the reality of a ‘new time’ myself. For the first time I understood if I truly loved him I needed to let him go. I told him I was OK and it was OK for him to move on.  I felt freedom and happiness returning.

My husband and I stood by each other through thick and thin. He never deserted me in a time of need, or I him. So he would not settle until he was 100% sure I was OK. I sense he is now settled and is enjoying watching me grow again. I talk to him every day and I know his spirit is around me encouraging me to get on with life. He gives me a gentle nudge when I need it. I hear him chuckle when I do stupid things likewise he cheers me on when I succeed.

I will always miss his physical presence; his lovely face, his smile and his laughter. I miss having him here to share things with and to give me a hug when I need one.  But because I love him and I want him to be happy in his new life, I needed to set his spirit free. In doing so I believe our spiritual sides are now connected on a different level. My spirit just hasn’t made the final journey yet. I don’t know when it will. In the meantime I’m using what time I have left to be the best I can at whatever I do. I will always be grateful for the years Richard and I had together. I am also grateful for the life I still have.

This lovely message says it all..

A Message From Heaven

I have not left you.

I am simply enjoying the next stage of

my life so please, do not cry.

Rejoice in the fact that I am happy.

Remember that I will always love you

and smile because one day we shall

meet again.

Look For The Lessons In Life

I was watching a TV program yesterday. It’s a UK program called 60-minute make-over. The recipient of the house makeover (3 rooms) was a mother who had suffered from Multiple Sclerosis for 30 years. Her two adult sons and her daughter-in-law had organised for the makeover. This poor woman was wheelchair bound to the point of also having lost the use of her arms. She was totally dependent on her carers and her family for everything. Despite that, she was happy. 

I thought a lot about her last night. It’s so easy to become absorbed in ourselves and all the things we've lost. Particularly following the death of a partner. In my case I’ve lost both my parents, my sister and the most important of all my husband. Apart from my Dad, the rest have been taken far too young. But, I still have my health. I own a lovely home and along with my crazy cat I’m fortunate in having the freedom to live the life I choose. I’m not a prisoner in my body as the poor woman in the TV program is. She has lost her health, her freedom and I suspect some of her dignity. There is not a lot of dignity in relying on other people to feed, bath and toilet you, despite how caring people are. But even so she makes the best of life in the harshest of circumstances. It would be so easy to be bitter. It reminded me I have so much more by comparison.

I am a positive person but from time to time I plunge into the ‘pity party’ mode. That said, it always fascinates me how lesson’s pop up at the right time to stop and make me think. That program was one of those lessons. The lesson is: There is always someone much worse off than me, so I should be thankful for what I have and had, and make the best of my life. It is a good lesson. One I needed to be reminded of. 

Be Kind To Ourselves

I often hear people in similar situations me say how hopeless and worthless they feel after losing their  partners. I understand that, because I experienced similar myself. But on reflection I think it's because we are so consumed by loss and the grief that accompanies that, that we lose sight of ourselves.  The feelings of abandonment takes over hence, worthlessness consumes many. Loving ourselves is important in helping us to get through these difficult times.